Learning Emotional Regulation with Jesus
How do you feel about your feelings? Some people see emotions as dangerous, so they exert great quantities of internal energy pushing them away. They shut down. Other people ride big emotions as a ship on the sea, rising and falling at their mercy. They react. Between exploding and shutting down is a healthier road, that of emotional regulation, integration, experiencing and “using” emotions as God intended.
Last time we addressed what both the Bible and science say about our “bad” feelings, those emotions we often consider negative. And today we’re going to get even more practical about how to manage or regulate strong emotions.
That’s what Jesus did when here on earth. He experienced every human emotion we do; deep distress, loneliness, sadness, pain, anger, frustration, satisfaction, joy. But He remained in charge of His emotions, not allowing himself to be driven at their mercy. That’s what healthy emotional regulation looks like.
So how do we become able to authentically feel and express our emotions, but not let them lead?
Your Emotional Development
You almost certainly learned your lessons well. Your family of origin “did” emotions a certain way. How was that? You may have learned something like:
- Emotions are not to be tolerated. Pretend they aren’t there, stuff them, ignore them.
- Let emotions drive you; it’s just who you are. Any feeling is to be acted on, right now.
- Only some emotions are OK. For example, anger might be the only emotion that’s allowed, never sadness or fear. Or it might have been that any emotion was mostly OK except anger.
A child starts life by reacting to the world around them. He doesn’t get the candy he wants; he pouts or screams. She feels irritated at her little brother, so she hits him. It’s easy to see how these childish reactions are both normal and immature. The problem comes when that little person never learns to take responsibility for their own emotions and reactions.
Or, perhaps because of harshness, neglect, or abuse, that child may react by turning inward and shutting down, completely losing touch with any emotional life.
Let me be clear; this is not the child’s fault. Every child needs help to learn to own their feelings and develop healthy ways of expressing and dealing with them.
Either path mentioned above leads to an unstable, unhappy, and miserable-to-be-around adult. And either path can also lead to addictive behaviors. The emotional part of our being does not go away. If that internal distress is not addressed, one learns to escape into alcohol, drugs, porn, or whatever takes the edge off but becomes only more damaging than the original emotion.
Getting to Know Your Inner World
If emotions have been driving you or if you’ve been shut down, an important step toward self-regulation is to get to know your inner world. This seems easier for some personalities than others, but it’s vital for everyone.
Your body is where your emotions express themselves. Where is there tension or pain in your body? What about that “ick” feeling, or shallow breathing, or a racing heart? What might that emotion be saying? If you’re not used to paying attention to your body in this way, this may feel uncomfortable at first.
The important thing is to slow down and notice. Rather than reaching for your phone, more busywork, or some junk food, sit with the discomfort for a bit; it won’t kill you.
I often encourage people to do this as part of their morning and evening routine. Put a reminder on your phone if you need to. Take one or two minutes to stop everything and consider what your emotional state is; happy? Sad? Anxious? Angry? Lonely? Get a feeling wheel if you need to. The point is to notice what’s true about your heart without immediately trying to fix or change it. Just allow that feeling to exist.
In the morning you might ask, “As I imagine what’s coming up today, what feeling arises in me?”
In the evening you might ask, “What feeling was largest, most real, for me today?”
This may stretch you a bit, but that’s the point. You’re training yourself to become aware of the emotional part of you, and also bring it under the Lordship of Jesus.
Feelings and Jesus
Yes, bring Jesus into your emotional life! But as you do so, beware of spiritual bypass. Some people imagine bringing Jesus in means in essence ignoring your inner world and reading Scripture or some other devotional. Spiritual bypass is using religious words or activities as just another escape, only marginally better than any other addiction.
Bringing Jesus into it means inviting Jesus to meet you right in the middle of the sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, or whatever the big feeling is. You’re not trying to wall off that emotional part of you; you’re opening that very aspect of your being to the presence of Jesus.
And when Jesus comes in He doesn’t usually “zap” you out of a negative feeling. You must be present to your own soul and then invite Jesus into it. The door opens from the inside.
This is what it means to make Jesus the Lord of your emotional life. Like Moses, David and the other psalmists, Jeremiah, Habbakuk, Mary and Martha, and God’s other best friends throughout Scripture, you take your emotions to God.
Those morning and evening check-ins with your inner world? Once you notice and name what you’re feeling, invite Jesus in right at that very moment. That can look something like, “Jesus, I felt really irritated at . . . today. I felt attacked, and I reacted in kind. And now I’m feeling ashamed for reacting that way.” Or, “Jesus, I’m afraid to even look at my bank account. I know I should, but it feels too scary and overwhelming. I don’t know what to do.”
Allow Jesus to see the true state of your heart.
All of the Above
You get to decide what to do next. Frequently, big emotions need a physical expression; you may need to cry, to hit something (safely), or to move your muscles. Doing something with your body physiologically discharges stress hormones and emotional energy and helps you get back into your “right mind,” finding that calm regulated Holy-Spirit-indwelt core of your best self.
And God never designed you to do this alone. When you were a baby your neurological system regulated itself through connection with another human, even if that connection was less than always secure. And your neurological system needs a few other humans to connect with still today. Emotional regulation is only one of the vital aspects of finding your people, finding a friend. And if that means getting professional help, do it!
So here’s the path to becoming increasingly integrated in your emotional self, neither shut down nor ruled by the ups and downs of your feelings:
- Slow down. Get curious about your inner emotional life. Notice and name it.
- Be intentional about expressing big emotions with your body in a safe way
- Find your people. Your brain must have other humans brains involved in order to regulate itself well.
- Bring your emotions to Jesus. Invite Him to come right into the middle of it all.
Someone who is mature, becoming more like Jesus, increasingly integrated and transformed, has a rich emotional life. Those emotions color and strengthen our human experience. And those emotions don’t rule you; they are at the service of your wellbeing.
Let us all grow in emotional self-regulation.
Your turn: Where do you fall in the realm of emotional regulation? Are you shut down? Do you allow emotions to control you? What next step in this aspect of your maturity is Jesus inviting you into now?
Want more? This week’s podcast is our popular monthly feature with Avery and Zion Montgomery, where we unpack more about emotional self-regulation. Listen or watch.
Tweetables: why not share this post?
- Healthy emotional regulation means slowing down enough to know your inner world, finding healthy physical ways to express feelings, connecting with others, and inviting Jesus into your emotional life. Tweet that.
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