Many married people I talk with say something like, “If my spouse would just say Yes to sex, I wouldn’t be so upset, angry, or lonely.” Or, “My spouse is so hurtful why would I ever want to have sex with them?” And there are many variations. But either waiting for your spouse to change or trying to change them will wear you out. And your spouse is actually not the key to a better sex life anyway.

Your spouse may be entitled, selfish, angry, and a bully. Your spouse might be withdrawn, closed up tighter than a clam. Or perhaps they’re nitpicky, critical, and chronically unhappy. Sure, that affects you. Whoever your spouse is, I hope you’ve learned by now that either waiting for them to change or trying to change them doesn’t work.

But you are not powerless. The only hope you have is to change you! And that can open the possibility of true intimacy and a dramatically better sex life.

How do you do that?

What Kind of Partner are You?

You didn’t wake up one day and decide to have a miserable marriage or a miserable sex life. The person you married brought certain “stuff” to the relationship, but so did you. And that’s what you can do something about.

A few questions to reflect on to get you started;

• What expectations around sex did you bring to the marriage? And how clear have you been in expressing that to your spouse in a way they truly hear you?
• How well would your spouse say you are in creating a sense of safety and invitation for them to come closer to you?
• What walls have you put up in your own soul that keep you from connecting intimately with your spouse?
• Have you both listened well to your spouse’s heart around intimacy and sex, and been vulnerable about your own heart? Do you talk about sex?!
• Where have you been harmed sexually? Have you done the work to find healing?
• Have you developed the inner strength to refuse abuse, betrayal, or other harm without becoming hard and prickly yourself?
• How faithful have you been to your spouse?
• Have you thoroughly addressed your own shame, entitlement, anger, bitterness, or pain?

That list is intended to pull you up short and highlight how you are the key to a better sex life with your spouse. Unless you are Jesus himself, you have work to do here. That doesn’t mean your spouse doesn’t have work to do; they do! But this highlights what you can do something about.

The Path to Sexual Wholeness

You can’t look at that list for a moment, decide to do better, and instantly make everything OK. You will need to engage in a process of becoming sexually whole. And you can do that regardless of whether or not your spouse is on the journey with you.

If you’ve been part of causing pain to your spouse, you will first need to do some hard work for yourself and then demonstrate to your spouse over time what that looks like before they will feel safe enough to come closer. If your spouse has an evil heart, it might mean pulling away, perhaps temporarily, for your own healing and to give God space to work on them. You might have experienced some deep sexual harm yourself and will need a significant process of healing before re-engaging sexually with your spouse. God takes each person through their own process.

But regardless of what your story has been, these are critical elements you will need along the way if you are ever to experience sexual wholeness:

• Look under the surface of your story to understand how you were sexually formed and sexually harmed
• Develop the capacity to experience authentic intimacy with others and with God beyond sex itself
• Experience Jesus coming into your story to bring you healing and transformation as only He can

And if your spouse is a person of good will, this process in you will guarantee a better sex life. The details will be unique to you, but if you do your work, your marriage will get better. This is not all that will be needed for deeper intimacy between you, but intimacy will not be possible without you doing this work for yourself.

YOU Are the Key to a Better Married Sex Life

If doing this work seems daunting, there’s help available!

Our brand new Sexpectations online digital experience provides a way for you to explore your sexual story with honesty and compassion – the same way Jesus looks at your story. You’ll learn the tools that will make a new lifestyle possible as you grow into sexual wholeness. And you’ll experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story. And everything changes with Jesus shows up!

The Sexpectations online course will allow you to find healing and transformation. And that just might lead to the most amazing sex life you ever imagined.

Your Turn: If your married sex life is not healthy, what part in that stems from your own story? What aspect of your story do you need to find healing for?  Leave a comment below.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• Your spouse is really NOT the key to a better sex life. You can’t change them anyway. But what you CAN do is work on you. Tweet that.