God created you as a sexual being regardless of gender, age, or relationship status. But why? Some people are tempted to suppress or deny this part of their being, but that doesn’t go well. Others have allowed their sexuality to control and define them, which doesn’t go well either. And yet sex and intimacy are a big deal.

If sex and intimacy are to take their rightful place in your life, mind, and heart, you’ll need to understand something of why these issues are a big deal. It’s not because you must have sex to be fully alive; you can live without sex. But you can’t live without intimacy. What’s the difference? And it’s not because God has a hierarchical list of behaviors you can or must do or not do.

This all has to do with the very nature of who God is and who we are. And it also has to do with what evil has done to this deep and important part of our nature.

Understanding why sex and intimacy are a big deal will then also help you know what to do about it.

Because of who God is

Since we are made in the image of God, it would be a good idea to consider what we know about God. In a manner our human minds can’t fully comprehend, God exists as three persons – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, so united that we are told to think of Him as one God. And He is!  “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one” (Deuteronomy 6:4).

The 3 Persons of the Trinity are so united in their diversity that we can say that God, in Himself, experiences and demonstrates infinite intimacy. God is relational in His very nature. That’s a key element of love, and God is love (1 John 4:8). Love cannot be turned in on itself; God in His infinite intimacy expresses love first in continual self-giving among the members of the Godhead.

And then because of His relational nature and because love always looks outward, God wanted, “needed,” a family. Us. Intimacy matters deeply to God because that’s Who He is.

Because of who we are

In creating humans, God could not create us in His image without creating us as relational beings, as He is. In our very nature God created us with the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy. You would not be human if you did not have that need.

And because God created us as embodied beings, He created sex as an earthly physical object lesson of intimacy. God intended sex to be ravishingly enjoyed between a husband and wife in covenant marriage. That’s the only way sex fulfills its purpose as an earthly object lesson of the infinite intimacy He enjoys within Himself and desires us to experience with Him.

You are more than your sexuality but you are not less than that. It touches close to the deepest places of who you are, regardless of your relationship status or whether you’re engaging in sexual activity or not.

It’s vital we also understand that marriage and physical sex are very important, but temporary. Jesus when He was here on earth demonstrated how to live fully alive – without marriage or sex. He showed us what it looks like for a human being to need intimacy, and to steward that in submission to His heavenly Father – as we need to do. Our need for intimacy was ultimately designed to drive us to union with God Himself, that we will experience for eternity as followers of Jesus.

Because of what evil has done

Satan and his kingdom of darkness certainly consider sex a big deal. Some Christians would prefer not to think about spiritual warfare. But you don’t have to observe very long before it’s obvious that an evil sinister force is behind the lies, pain, and brokenness humans have experienced from intimacy gone wrong.

As Christopher West writes, “If we want to know what’s most sacred in this world, all we need do is look for what is most violently profaned. The enemy is no dummy. He knows that the body and sex are meant to proclaim the divine mystery. And from his perspective, this proclamation must be stifled.”[1]

Evil causes separation, and nowhere is this more clearly destructive than in the area of sexuality. Humans are divided within themselves, feeling shame over their gender or sexuality and over the harm they’ve experienced through no fault of their own, while getting pulled into destructive sexual behaviors and addictions in an attempt to fill legitimate needs for intimacy. And intimacy gone wrong has also created havoc between human beings, and between humans and God. The enemy’s tactics have worked.

And one of his most destructive tactics has been to conflate sex and intimacy – to get humans to believe that going to sex automatically fills the need for intimacy, and that in order to be fully alive you must have a happy satisfying sex life. And he’s also gotten some God-followers to make sex taboo, depriving them of the intimacy they need, married or not.

Can you feel rage at how the enemy has distorted, corrupted, used intimacy and sexuality to steal, kill, and destroy?

What Now?

If you’ve been tempted to ignore or hide your sexuality because of trauma, religious messages, or disordered married sex, it’s time to do the work of healing.

If you’ve made sex into a god, going to sex to meet your intimacy needs, letting your sexual urges drive you, it’s time to learn to submit your sexuality to Jesus.

You might be married and your sex life is not strong; now it’s time to do the sometimes hard work of building the intimacy between you – physical, emotional, and spiritual.

You might be single and confused about how to meet your legitimate needs for intimacy in a God-honoring way; now it’s time pursue intimacy with God and others as Jesus did.

Yes, intimacy and sex are a big deal. Don’t stop pursuing what it means to become whole in this area. Our Sexpectations hub has a number of resources on this topic. And for deeper healing and growth, consider one of our Intensives.

Your Turn: Have sex and intimacy been a big deal for you? Has this part of you become right-sized in your mind and life?  Leave a comment below.

Want More? On this week’s podcast we share a replay of a conversation with Dr. Michael Sytsma about what to do if your married sex life is not going well. Listen or watch.

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• Sex and intimacy are a big deal, but perhaps not for the reasons you think. They matter first because of who God is, and then because of who we are as humans and because of what evil has done. Tweet that.

Married, and Need Help?

The Marriage Healing Kit from Dr. Carol Ministries is a group of resources that will help guide you (and hopefully your spouse) on a healing journey for your marriage. It’s one of those things you can do in cooperating with God.

This Kit includes 40 daily prayers for your marriage, as well as material in all the other resources about what it looks like to invite Jesus right into the middle of your marriage, and how to partner with Him in making things better.

[1] Christopher West, Theology of the Body for Beginners: A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II’s Sexual Revolution (West Chester, PA: Ascension, 2004), 12, emphasis in original.