There’s little if anything that makes a greater difference in your sense of wellbeing than the quality of your closest personal relationships. If you have a couple safe very close friends, if your marriage is strong (if you’re married), all’s well with the world. But if your closest relationship(s) isn’t working but instead leaves you empty, lonely, and hurt, nothing else seems to make up the difference.

But of course every relationship, married or not, requires people. Yes, those messy pesky things called people! And the closer you are to someone, the more their sin, immaturity, and flaws mess with you. And just remember, you’re a human being too – a sinner who is still in process of becoming.

God created us to be in relationship. We cannot thrive as human beings alone. But every one of us – you, me, and your friend/family member/spouse/coworker/neighbor, etc. all have an intimacy disorder. It makes relationships messy and challenging.

Let me suggest four questions that will help bring you clarity on what may be going on when your relationship isn’t working, and what you can do about it.

1. Who am I Being in This Relationship?

Most people I talk with assume that if the other person would just do what they’re supposed to, the relationship would be fine. If their spouse would only communicate better or be more interested in sex. If their church friend would just reach out and show some personal interest. Everyone’s against them.

And on the other hand, some people assume they’re hopeless; they’re a failure at everything including relationships, and nobody could ever “want” them.

Even if that were true (which it’s not), you can’t control anyone else. But you can choose who you will be in this or any relationship. What would it be like to be on the other side of you? Would you want to come closer to you?

This is no excuse for self-contempt; stop that right now. But it does put the focus on the only thing you can change – your thoughts, behaviors, and words that you offer.

So, if you’re lonely, you make the first move to find a friend; it may be hard, but just DO IT! If your current friendship(s) has experienced a rupture, you do your work to repair it. If you’re married, you be the spouse that would make your spouse want to come closer.

2. Am I Expecting Something This Person Can’t Offer?

Focusing on what you can do is most important, but not all people are capable of being in a healthy intimate relationship (and I’m not talking sexually primarily). Some people, even some marriages, are toxic. In those cases you may need to limit your interaction, or potentially even walk away.

But far more common is that you may simply be expecting the other person to offer something they don’t have to give. And even if they are toxic, what about you led you to get into this situation?

You must have close connection with a few other people. But there are some things others can’t do for you. Understanding what others can and can’t do for you can help a lot. Other people can’t do your healing, growing, or fighting for you. They can’t fill you up – even if they’re the best possible spouse or friend.

What people can do is offer presence, insight, support, perspective, prayer, and more. Not every person in your life will have the same substance to offer, or be able to offer everything you need, but embrace that which is available to you. And you’ll need to identify and take down the walls you’ve erected around your own heart to let the goodness in.

And remember that this must come first from a foundation of going to God for your deepest heart and soul nourishment.

3. What Choices Do I Have?

Regardless of the issue, you have more choices than you think. What are they? Focusing there can be amazingly clarifying and empowering.

If you’re married and your marriage is not healthy, what are your options? Yes, you could leave, and sometimes that’s necessary when things are truly destructive. You could try to manipulate and control your relationship; I don’t recommend that – it wears you out and doesn’t work anyway. You could give up and decide to remain in marriage misery. Or you could do the often challenging work to come to your marriage for what you can give rather than what you can get, to learn the hard skills of communication, conflict resolution, and building real intimacy.

If you’re lonely, if it seems the people around you don’t understand you and are all wrapped up in their own stuff, if church triggers trauma in your soul, what can you do? You could opt out of “people” and remain miserable and isolated. Or you could “seek to understand before seeking to be understood” with the people who are already in your sphere. And it might be you need to look farther, find some new people, choose healing, grieve a bit and then slowly reach out in a different setting.

This is one place I love asking Jesus, “What next step would You have me take?” He will let you know if you ask Him.

4. What Does Love Require of Me?

Love, real love, is not weak or tolerant of harm. Love may be longsuffering, but it does not mean enmeshment or having no boundaries. It does mean that once you’ve paused to honor your wounds, that you get beyond your hurt feelings and take action for the good of all concerned.

Sometimes, when things have become toxic, love requires you to walk away. You are not Junior Holy Spirit; it’s not your job to fix someone else. Jesus never forced someone to be with Him; He let them walk away. That’s painful; your heart may break. But it may be the very thing love requires.

More often love requires you to do the hard work necessary in your own soul first so that you can bring your best self to this relationship, whether it’s a friendship, marriage, other family, or something else. Love will require that you do not make the other person responsible for your own happiness or wellbeing; that’s too heavy a burden for any human being. Love may require that you set boundaries, have hard conversations, give grace, listen, and more.

Remember that Jesus was the most differentiated and integrated human being ever to walk this earth. He was the same Person regardless of how people around Him behaved. And just the same, love will require you most of all to be the human being God created you to be. You’re still in process, as am I. But that is the only place healthy relationships can come from.

May you pursue the kind of intimacy God created you for.

Your turn: Where is something off in your closest personal relationships? Which of these questions touches your situation most deeply? What next step will you take?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? The podcast this week is a conversation with Mike Navotny on learning to love well as newlyweds. You can listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• All relationships (friendships, marriage, etc.) experience “stuff.” Fighting the other person doesn’t work. Here are four questions to ask when your relationship isn’t working to clarify what you can do about it. Tweet that.

Need Some Healing and Integration?

What if you could stop just “managing” your pain, shame, relationship struggles, or unwanted intimacy patterns — and finally experience real healing?

Our small-group intensives provide an immersive 3-4 day premium experiences to help women and men explore the deeper places of their story around intimacy, relationships, sexuality, emotional wounds, and spiritual struggle — in a safe, compassionate, Christ-centered environment.