If you’ve ever had an original thought, you’re one of very few humans who have. We are great mimics, learning how to think and talk and react from those we are around. Science demonstrates that you develop the health habits, wealth habits, and relationship habits of the people you spend the most time with. When it comes to your hunger to be seen and known, what if everything you learned about relationships was wrong?

Our deepest beliefs usually come from our earliest experiences. You learned how to “do” communication, conflict, feelings, intimacy, and more long before you knew you were learning anything. What you saw modeled in your home, what you got shamed for, or what you were affirmed for shaped you deeply.

I spoke with a woman not long ago who said, “I don’t long to be close to anyone. I have no sense of a need for intimacy.” I’ve known her for a long time, and I understand how she came to believe that. She’s never had a safe close relationship, so her brain has learned to deny and suppress that part of her. To her, being close means danger. “I’m just fine on my own, thank you very much.”

So, how have you learned to hide? What have you learned to expect from others, or from God? Is the world generally a good place where you can get many of your needs met, or do you have to scrape and fight for crumbs?

Your relationship patterns came from somewhere. How healthy were your templates? And perhaps much of what you learned about relationships you need to relearn.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Some come to life with better relationship patterns than others, but not one of us grew up with everything we need. You can get curious about your assumptions and beliefs, be grateful for the good parts you received from your family of origin, and acknowledge what was bad or even ugly.

A few examples:

• Your parents fought a lot, sometimes making you scared. The good part; perhaps you learned that conflict doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship. The bad or ugly part; you may have learned it’s OK to use words as deadly weapons, or to put up with abusive behavior.
• One of your parents had an affair. The good part; you might have learned (maybe) that your parents still loved you even though they were acting badly themselves. The bad and ugly part; you learned a covenant can be broken, and faithfulness isn’t something you can count on. Marriage is a setup for hurt.
• Church was a big part of your life growing up. The good part; you may have learned that God is real, and He has a certain way He wants you to live. The bad or ugly part; in some church contexts you might have come to see God as authoritarian, punitive, and out to get you if you mess up.

I’m not talking about years of therapy, though that may have great value for some. But if there is some part of your life or relationships that is less than whole, it can be very helpful to be curious about where that came from.

Updating What You Learned About Relationships

The assumptions and beliefs you accumulated around intimacy, love and relationship patterns don’t change just by getting more information. New insights can be wonderful! You may need new perspectives for your left brain in order to believe you’re not personally crazy, and that something else might be possible.

But more importantly, you’ll need some new examples of different relationship patterns and to practice new ways of relating. A few key steps:

Hang Around Healthier People

You learned your current relationship patterns mostly by osmosis growing up. Today your brain may not learn new things as quickly, but it most certainly can change. A primary way that happens is by hanging around people with the characteristics you want to incorporate.

Think of the five or so people that you spend the most time with. Are those people headed in a direction you’d also like to go? Great! If not, you might need to find some new friends.

Is your marriage struggling? Just starting out in marriage and don’t have good internal templates of a healthy marriage? Find a marriage mentor couple, or join a marriage small group with other couples who are serious about growing a healthy relationship.

Struggling with porn, or other unhealthy sexual behaviors? Do the hard work to find a friend or two who is walking a similar journey toward sexual wholeness. Join a small group or therapy group focusing on healthy intimacy and sexuality.

Is your relationship with God distant, or absent? Look for someone whose personal life and relationships demonstrates a spiritual vitality that is appealing. Get around them and watch how they live. Ask them questions.

Finding healthier connections takes work, but it’s the most vital thing in building new relationship patterns – with friends, with your spouse if married, or with God.

Soak in God’s Love

That may sound too spiritual and hokey, but it really is the foundation for relearning love. “God is love” (1 John 4:8). “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). You may know that with your intellectual left brain. But does your heart believe and experience it?

Where has Jesus meant something good to you? What has He done in your life? Who do you know Him to be – to you? Remember the last moment you sensed Him being for you, loving you. Sit for a bit and nourish that memory in your mind.

Perhaps those last few sentences don’t mean much to you at all. That’s fine; you can start now. Take one of the gospels, perhaps Mark or John. Get quiet for a few minutes, and read a paragraph, one small snippet from the life of Jesus. Notice how Jesus interacted with the people He was around. Imagine yourself in the story; what would it have felt like to be there?

And then I suggest you pray something like this: Jesus, my internal templates around love, the things I learned about relationships, aren’t good. My internal picture of You isn’t very good either. Would You come and just be here with me? Let me sense Your gaze and feel Your heart toward me, right in this room, right now.

And my prayer for you is that He flood your body, mind, and soul with His love, even right now.

That’s the deepest way to form new Relationship Patterns.

Your turn: What are the things you learned about relationships that are not serving you well now? Where do you need to relearn love?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? This week on the podcast I answer some tough questions from you about relationships, sexuality, and intimacy. Listen or watch.

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Need Some Help with Relearning Relationships?

It takes more than information to change your internal beliefs around intimacy. That happens best in a safe new experience with a few others.

Join us at an upcoming intensive – a beautiful 4-day premium experience that can change so much. Bring the hard places of your story into the light, and experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story with healing, freedom, and transformation.