Perhaps it’s my training as a physician, but I often think in terms of diagnosis and treatment. If you don’t know what’s wrong, how can it be fixed? And in our human condition, it seems we all have been afflicted with a serious even life-threatening disease; an Intimacy Disorder.

It seems this affliction has been present in every human being, except for Jesus, ever since the Garden of Eden. This disorder has been the cause of untold mountains of misery for millennia. And the good news is, there is a cure!

Using such medical language may seem a bit dramatic, but it really is that bad – and that good. Let’s use this lens to look at the Biblical story and our contemporary human struggles. Understanding the problem better can help guide us toward what to do next.

Created for Intimacy

St. Augustine famously wrote, “You have made us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You.” There is perhaps no clearer more succinct description of why you and I exist, and why something so often feels missing or “off.”

God is a God of intimacy. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are so united, so intimate, that we are told to think of Him as one God. And He is! Intimacy is core to God’s very being. You and I, created in His image, likewise cannot exist without intimacy.

As St. Augustine wrote, that empty place in our souls is only fully satisfied through union, intimacy, with God Himself. Our hearts are the lock, and only true connection with God unlocks who we fully are. That will be so for eternity. Our desperate longing for intimacy was meant to pull us to God Himself – forever.

And everything we experience in this life can be explained from that core reality. The way our neurological systems only fully develop through secure attachment to another. Our hunger to attach romantically. The deepest trauma that comes through relational rupture. The way we go to little (or big) addictions to assuage our angst when we are disconnected, and how they leave us still longing for more.

And you’ve undoubtedly heard this before; sin can be understood as separation from God, separation from one another, and even separation among the different parts of ourselves.

Yes, we have an intimacy disorder.

Our Intimacy Disorder

Jesus did not have an intimacy disorder. Intimacy with His Heavenly Father was the air Jesus breathed. His human relationships were close, reciprocal, emotionally safe, and physically intimate (not sexual of course). He pursued connection even though those very people let Him down.

But all the rest of us are afflicted. Many of you may be aware of the DSM – the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (currently in its 5^th edition), created to help clinicians and others diagnose mental health disorders. I imagined explaining Intimacy Disorder in the format of that manual. Here’s what that might look like:

Core Feature: A persistent difficulty with establishing and maintaining close, reciprocal, emotionally safe, and physically intimate relationships, lasting at least 6 months, causing significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or relational functioning.

Characteristic Symptoms: Several of the following must be present:

1. Fear of vulnerability — strong anxiety about self-disclosure, dependency, or being emotionally “seen” by others.
2. Avoidance of intimacy — reluctance to pursue or maintain close relationships unless certain of acceptance; withdrawal when intimacy deepens.
3. Shame or self-worth issues — persistent feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness of love, or fear of being judged/rejected.
4. Distrust — chronic suspicion of others’ intentions, difficulty relying on or confiding in others.
5. Self-sabotage — repeatedly undermining or ending relationships when closeness increases.
6. Compulsive or avoidant sexual behavior — use of compulsive sexual activity (e.g., pornography, multiple partners, cybersex) or rigid avoidance of sexual contact (sexual “anorexia”) as defenses against intimacy.
7. Emotional detachment — marked discomfort with physical affection, difficulty expressing or receiving care, or feeling emotionally numb in close relationships.

This description is written in very secular language. But read that list again and consider whether any of those symptoms characterize something about your relationship with God.

Our relationship with God, our intimacy with Him, and our connections with others have the same flavor.

Seeking a Cure

Intimacy has gone wrong for you and for everyone in the human race. Just think of all the mayhem evil has caused through getting humans to seek to get this need filled through damaging and illegitimate means. Yes, this includes sex/sexuality, but it’s so much more. And a spiritual Band-aid won’t be adequate for the cure.

Let me suggest a few questions that will help move you toward wholeness:

1. What walls have you erected around your heart? We all build them. This is the core of the Intimacy Disorder. And you won’t find your way out until you look at what happened to you, the lies and wounds that you accumulated, and the defenses you put up as a result.
2. Who might be safe enough? You were harmed in relationship, and you will also be healed in relationship. This is slow, sometimes hard, and feels scary. Your brain has to learn new things. But do the work to find your people. Like Jesus, you need a Peter, James, and John in your life. Take a risky step, and reach out.
3. Where do you need Jesus to come in? He doesn’t do robotic tele-health surgery from afar. He does not force Himself in; you have to invite Him. And you won’t be able to control what He does. Whatever is messy – your trauma, sexuality, marriage, whatever – invite Him there.

Things change when Jesus shows up. It’s going to be on His timeline, not yours. It will look like His work, not something you’ve orchestrated. But it will be worth it.

Your Intimacy Disorder can be cured.

Your turn: How has an intimacy disorder showed itself in your life? How much healing have you discovered now? Where do you need more?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On this week’s podcast I answer a number of questions from real-life people just like you about intimacy, sex, and relationships. Listen or watch.

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• The most universal of all diseases afflicting the human race is an Intimacy Disorder. We are all affected. Don’t let it take you down! Tweet that.

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