Just yesterday I was talking with a young woman who said, “People aren’t safe.” There’s a real sense in which that’s true. There are no perfect people to connect with. Your parents, your spouse, your friends, your church or work acquaintances, your pastor, your therapist – every single one of them is a sinner!

And yet you deeply need connection, affirmation, intimacy, love. As Dr. Curt Thompson says, “Every baby comes into the world looking for someone looking for them.”

But you’re grown up now. You’ve lived through years of experiencing people. Some of those experiences may have been nourishing and helpful. Other times you likely were disappointed, misunderstood, and perhaps deeply harmed. What stories have you told yourself about all that?

We know from psychological and social science research that a baby doesn’t need a perfect parent. That’s a wonderful thing, since there are no perfect parents available! But in order to grow into a confident, resilient, productive, healthy grownup who is able to relate to others, babies need a good enough mother/parent. That means one who can attune to them, support them through distress, and repair the relationship between them when it becomes ruptured.

That same concept applies to you and me as adults. You desperately need a few, even one, safe enough people to connect with. How do you do that?

Understanding Jesus’ Example

As a human being Jesus needed safe enough people too. As a child He needed good-enough parenting. As a man He deeply longed for and pursued intimacy with a few others – Peter, James, John, Mary Magdalene. Those very people would let Him down at critical moments, but He truly needed them and enjoyed them.

Jesus understood these three truths about relationships and safety:

• Every human being has or will fail you
• Only God Himself is 100% trustworthy, all the time
• Some human beings are safe enough and worth pursuing relationship with

If you’ve experienced relational trauma you might easily believe the first statement above. But it might feel very hard to fully believe that God is worth trusting completely. Even if you intellectually agree, your emotional right-brain self might not “feel” it. God understands! And He keeps inviting you to check Him out, to come closer, and see how He is different from people.

And you also may see people as all good or bad, black or white, safe or unsafe. You might try to connect, perhaps even jump into a relationship with “all fours,” but the moment that person lets you down they become your enemy. And you tap out.

Like Jesus with Peter, James, and John, we can mature enough to see that people are not all the same. And yet even the safe enough people are not Jesus. When you get hurt, it may take some healing and grieving. But repair of a relationship with a good and safe enough person is possible, and brings the kind of goodness you cannot thrive without.

If You Need a Safe Enough Person

A brief comment about marriage; by safe enough I don’t mean a spouse who only beats you every once in a while, or one who only looks at porn or has an affair occasionally. Faithfulness is the only way marriage works. This concept does apply, however, in that even the best-hearted spouse will let you down. Repair is needed even in the best marriages.

Regardless of your relationship status, you need safe enough people. Start by recognizing your all-or-nothing mindset. How much you trust someone can be on a gradient, and it takes time to understand how trustworthy this person may be. Baby steps are usually the wisest. But take those baby steps!

If you tend to jump too quickly, decide to slow down. Decide to use the best part of your brain to observe. Notice both how your own heart responds and how that other person responds to you. Test things out slowly; ask a question, share a small piece of your story, listen – and listen some more. If something goes slightly sideways, is that person willing and able to hear you and repair things?

If you naturally isolate, get out there and practice your baby steps. Don’t wait for someone to reach out to you; take a little initiative. Make a phone call. Send a text message. Invite that person to a conversation or coffee or to sit with you at church. Get curious. Stretch yourself to consider the world through their perspective also.

Finally, not everyone is safe enough. A marriage can become toxic. So can some religious contexts. Other individuals and groups can show themselves to be persistently harmful. Not only hard; that’s only human. But harmful. Often that means you will need to step away – either with some boundaries, or more permanently.

Becoming a Safe Enough Person

As followers of Jesus we should be becoming more and more like Him. With Jesus, everyone felt invited to come closer. His goodness was attractive. His presence meant something better was possible, but Jesus was never dangerous in the sense of causing harm.

We can become more like that.

To become a safe enough person – for your spouse or children, for a friend, for anyone God brings into your world – begin by soaking in Jesus’ presence. Let His nature saturate your own so that you exude love like He did. That doesn’t mean tolerance, but it does mean your fragrance is one of invitation and care.

Then with that other person, start by noticing. What would the world look like through their eyes? Be kindly curious; “I notice you seem distressed. I’m here for you.” Don’t try to fix things immediately. By your presence invite that person to feel seen and understood.

That may allow you to then offer insight or care. You will need to stay alert to your own heart; deal with any irritation or sexual attraction yourself before God if you need to. It may take time for the other person to experience you as safe enough. And that’s OK.

What Next?

For some related thoughts, check these out:

• How to Find Your People When You Need Help
• How to Find a Friend: Who is Your Peter, James, and John?
• Messy Relationships: People, God, and Your Heart

Don’t give up! There are safe enough people.

Your Turn: Have you found a few safe enough people? Do they truly know you? Leave a comment below.

Want more? On this week’s podcast I talk with Bronwyn Lea about living as brothers and sisters in the family of God.  Listen or watch.

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• There are no 100% safe people. Only God is 100% safe. But you do need a few safe enough people – who are FOR you, who will not intentionally harm you, and who will seek to repair things when there’s a rupture. There are safe enough people.  Tweet that.

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