When you’re 20 the world mostly revolves around you, and you’re the smartest person alive. But by the time you’re 60, not so much. The most important education is not found in a classroom. There are priceless life lessons I’d tell my younger self now if I had the chance.

There was a time in my 30s, as God was bringing me out of some deep distress, that I gave Him explicit permission to be in charge of my education. And I wasn’t talking anything about academics. Yes, I do have some advanced degrees. But it’s the “stuff” of life that becomes the most valuable – if you reflect, let the “stuff” grow you, and allow God to do His work through it all in your transformation process.

I hope you don’t have to wait until your 60s to learn some of these lessons. But in reflecting on what I’ve experienced and discovered, here are five life lessons I’d tell my younger self if I could.

1. You Can Choose to be Happy

There’s so much in the world, in your world, that you don’t have control over. Your true circle of influence is much smaller than you may imagine. But it’s easy to spend so much mental time and energy worrying about and trying to manage things you can’t do anything about. And that naturally leads to the belief that if only other people would change, if circumstances were different, you could be happy.

As God brought me out of my deep distress years ago, one of the most important things I learned was that I could choose where to direct my mind. I didn’t have to let thoughts or feelings control me. Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying, “I’ve determined that most people are about as happy as they choose to be.” I agree: I could choose to be happy!

Managing my attitudes and emotions is not something I leave to chance. There are very intentional things I do to maintain my mental health. And it works.

Younger self, choose to be happy! Do the work to find out how.

2. Relationships, Especially Marriage, Take Work

Loneliness is a life-threatening epidemic. Our digital world has developed habits in us that pull us away from true human relationships. And digital seems easier; ChatGPT can feel like connection and empathy. It won’t argue with you, disappoint you, or call you on your stuff.

But neither will it give you a hug, nourish your soul, or provide authentic intimacy.

Real relationships with real people are messy. It takes risk and work to truly connect. Vulnerability is absolutely vital – and scary. This is of course most deeply true in marriage, but it applies to real friendship also. It won’t always go perfectly.

Waiting for someone else to come, connect, and make you happy is a non-starter. If you want a happy marriage, do the work to find a good spouse and learn the skills of building healthy intimacy. Do the work to find your people regardless of relationship status.

Younger self, do the work to build relationships. It’s worth the effort and risk.

3. Deal With Your “Stuff;” It’s Worth the Pain

No human being comes to adulthood without baggage. That’s what living in this world means. The lies, wounds, and empty places will continue to dominate you and hold you back until you deal with your stuff, including how intimacy has gone wrong for you.

You have a choice here. Nobody, God included, will force you to deal with your stuff. But there is great power in choosing to pull off the Band-aid, look under the surface, and determine to tell the truth. Doing so disinfects the shame and removes the power of your old junk to determine your future.

Making the choice to heal is an important step. You don’t have to do it all at once, but do it. Doing so is truly the doorway to happiness, wholeness, freedom, and goodness. And if you are or desire to be married, it will make a happy marriage possible as well.

Younger self, deal with your stuff. It won’t kill you, and it’s the only way forward.

4. There’s More to the Story. Look for the Rest of the Truth

What’s really going on here? Even pausing long enough to ask that question can change things. Feelings are real. My perception is valid. But almost always there is more to the story than my perception can at first see. Looking for the rest of the story might change almost everything.

I may have been deeply harmed by parents or others, whether they meant to or not. But coming to understand their woundedness or limitations changes my ability to be in relationship with them.

My friend or spouse may be distant or angry, and that hurts. They’re responsible for their own behavior, but when I see how my own words or actions have played into the picture I can change my side of the street, and that has the potential to change the relationship.

Things around me may seem chaotic or unreasonable. Is it the reality of living in a sinful messed-up world? Or could this be spiritual warfare – the kingdom of darkness assaulting that which concerns me because of what God has asked me to do? Pause and ask the question.

Younger self, learn to look for the rest of the truth. Ask God His perspective.

5. God is Worth Trusting

It’s impossible to not have your early experiences, especially with parents/caregivers, impact your internal perception of God. It makes sense that you may trust Him – but not really. Your head may “know” He is good, but your heart struggles to get there.

I have learned to do what God’s best friends in the Bible did; they took their angst to God. They asked Him their hard questions. They let their anger, fear, or pain roll out toward Him, in His presence. He was where they took their “stuff” when things were bad – internally or externally. And God never once told someone who brought their angst to Him to go away, or to get a better attitude first.

And God always showed up for those who learned to let God be God, to listen and follow, and to wait. That often did not mean their circumstances miraculously changed, though when they did it was wonderful! But their hearts were kept.

I fully believe that when I get to eternity, I will not want God to have done one thing differently in my life.

Younger self, learn to trust God. You won’t regret it.

Growing Up

Learning lessons such as these is not painless, but the quicker I learned them, the easier and more joyful my life has become.

Perhaps one or more of these lessons is something you could embrace as well.

Your turn: What life education has brought you wisdom? Are any of these life lessons I’ve learned things you might need to embrace also?  Leave a comment below.

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• Wisdom doesn’t come cheap. But allowing God to use life experience to educate me has taught me things I consider priceless. Here are 5 life lessons I’d tell my younger self. Tweet that.

Want more? This week on the podcast I talk with Lyndsey Maestas about how to keep loving well when the romantic feelings leave. Listen or watch.

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