Today’s AI-saturated world has many, especially young people, trying to fill their longing for connection through digital means. Harvard Business Review reports that the current most-frequent use of AI is therapy and companionship. To quote Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”

And simply having sex isn’t the answer either. Many of my coaching clients and many people attending our Intensives have tried that – and found it wanting. It’s not that sex isn’t a good thing; God created sex! But when we believe the enemy’s lie and confuse sex with intimacy, the “solution” becomes taking the clothes off your body.

And that doesn’t work. Unmarried people find their souls still empty and lonely. Married people discover the ring on your finger doesn’t by itself bring intimacy – physical or otherwise.

God created you, me, every human being with the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy. It’s one of the key aspects of being made in the image of the God who exhibits in Himself infinite intimacy – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

And therefore of course it’s one of the things the devil has worked hardest to mar, distort, and use to bring mayhem on the human race.

Research in recent years on the science of happiness and on the epidemic of loneliness all demonstrates the same thing; humans need a few deep authentic connections. This is more than a wish; it’s a true need. Your brain doesn’t have the capacity to do that with 50. But you have the desire, need, and capacity for intimacy with a few. Superficial connection, whether through your phone, social media, or even sex, does not fill that need to be seen and known, to truly commune with another person(s).

So what can we do about this?

The Biblical Perspective

Intimacy, communion, is exactly what Jesus calls us to. A few references:

• “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me” (John 15:5).
• Jesus’ prayer: “I am in them and you are in me, so that they may be made completely one” (John 17:23)
• “so that you may also have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ” (1 John 1:3).

In the church we’ve often paid lip-service to Jesus’ statements “that they may be one” or “abide in Me.” What might happen if we as individuals, as married couples, and as the body of Christ intentionally pursued that?

It seems most human beings, including most Christians, feel a desire, a need, for something more, even if they can’t articulate it. Could this be it? Could intimacy, fellowship, communion with a few others and with God be “it”?

Jesus’ Example

Let’s start with Jesus as the pattern. Jesus was the most Fully Alive human being ever, yet He never had sex, never was married. How did He, a fully human person with all the sex organs and sex hormones of any other person, deal with that need for intimacy? What did that look like for Him in His earthly life?

I was talking with a small group of men and women about sexuality and intimacy, and seeing Jesus as our example of how to steward that well whether married or single. One young man said, “But Jesus was a special case. He was really tight with His heavenly Father.”

Exactly! Being tight with His heavenly Father is the point. And Jesus was not a special case.

There’s absolutely no way simply stuffing more facts into your left brain will, by itself, let you have the kind of fellowship, intimacy, communion with God that you desperately need. Bring along the other parts of you also; your physical body, your emotions, your right brain’s sensing and experiencing, your trauma history, your desires, and every other part of you.

And Jesus also needed, truly needed, people. He sought deep connection, intimacy, with a few other man and women who knew Him deeply and who sensed Him knowing them. Jesus was not infrequently disappointed, even hurt, by the people He sought fellowship with. But He did it anyway.

Toward Finding Intimacy

You can keep indulging in your little (or big) addictions to alcohol, sex, porn, media, overwork, or whatever, if you want. That might drown your sorrows or create a momentary high, but it will always leave you empty. Your longing for intimacy will only be met by doing the often scary work of building relationship with others and with God.

For intimacy with God:

• Spend time. Whether it’s a few moments or an hour or more, invest the time.
• Let down your inner walls. Start by telling Jesus what’s truly going on with you. No spiritual platitudes; be real.
• Be open and listen. God doesn’t add His voice to a cacophony of sound – in your head or in your world. Get quiet and listen.

For intimacy with others:

• Spend time. It takes intentional investment to find a friend. No excuses; just do it!
• Let down your inner walls. You might need to do some work to discover what walls you’ve put up, and find healing to move forward.
• Be open and listen. You’ll get farther in finding your people by being kindly curious. You get to choose to open your heart.

For intimacy with your spouse if married:

• Spend time. A healthy marriage isn’t an accident; it takes ongoing small investments.
• Let down your inner walls. Taking ownership of your own heart is where you must start.
• Be open and listen. Rhythms of healthy communication in marriage require that you stay engaged and listen. Intimacy grows from there.

Don’t accept fast-food simulations of intimacy. Your soul will only thrive with the deep connection these kinds of investments make possible.

Intimacy is Worth the Effort

Your Turn:  What cheap substitutes for true intimacy have you settled for? Where will you take a courageous step in moving toward God, a friend, or your spouse? Leave a comment below.

Want more? On the podcast this week I talk with Matt and Jenn Schmidt about developing extraordinary intimacy with your spouse, including sexual connection.  Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• What if the “it” the human heart, your heart, craves is intimacy, fellowship, communion – with others and with God? Perhaps that’s the biggest reason you need to pursue real intimacy.  Tweet that.

Healing for Your Traumatized Lonely Heart

Your loneliness, isolation, pain, even trauma can seem too much. And how relationships and sex play into that can seem even more complicating. But we can help you with that.

Join us at an upcoming intensive – a beautiful 3-4 day premium experience that can change so much. Bring the hard places of your story into the light, and experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story with healing, freedom, and transformation.