The smart device in your pocket can “connect” you instantly to almost any other human on the planet. But you already know that’s not truly nourishing to your soul. You might sit in church where people are “connecting” but you leave feeling even more empty. The need of the human heart for intimacy is the same for both married and unmarried people. And sexual activity is not the answer.

Oh, sexual intimacy in covenant marriage can be a beautiful thing. It’s worth investing extraordinary effort in, and doing whatever it takes to overcome the barriers every couple experiences in the process of making it good for both partners. But simply taking the clothes off your body does not necessarily lead to intimacy. And singles desperately need intimacy too.

Research in recent years on the science of happiness, the human need for secure attachment, and the current epidemic of loneliness all demonstrates the same thing; humans need a few deep authentic relationships. This is more than a wish; it’s a true need. Once a person’s basic needs for food, water, and shelter are met, more money doesn’t add to happiness; only deep human relationships do.

You can consider yourself blessed if you have one, or a few, truly intimate close relationships with people, and a deep sense of intimacy with God. But if you don’t, it’s not something to simply wish for. So how do you go about pursuing that?

Your Own Heart

What walls have you erected around your own heart?

I know what that’s like from my own experience, and from the many people I’ve worked with. It’s not that other people haven’t done you wrong; they have. But you can’t change the past or other people. You can only deal with your own heart, starting today.

As uncomfortable as it might be to do so, take a look at the landscape of your inner being. Is it well with your soul? Perhaps you’ll see part of you that is working overtime trying to hold everything together – and maybe about to collapse in exhaustion. Part of you might be remaining in the background until something happens, and then it emerges with a flash of anger or control. You might notice a part that you’d prefer wasn’t there, a part that feels sad, or afraid, or is hurting.

And those parts of you have done what they needed to do in order to survive.

You came to be who you are for good reason. Your natural response might be to hate certain parts of your soul, and to try to get them to go away for good. But that’s not how Jesus looks at you. His goal is to minister healing and integration to all the parts of you.

So again, what walls have you erected around your own heart that are keeping you disintegrated internally, and keeping others – and God – at a distance?

The good news is that you can come to see and own the walls behind which you’ve been hiding, and make the choice of when, where, how, and with whom to break them down and come into the light.

Pursuing Human Intimacy

Humans are messy – just like you are. But just like Jesus, you and I need human connection.

Some people imagine that their heart will be healed by finding the right sex partner. But remember that sex and intimacy are not the same. God intended them to be connected within covenant marriage, but if you are married you probably already know that sex does not automatically equal intimacy. And if you’re not married, don’t believe the lie that the only way to become fully alive and whole is to have a satisfying sex life.

What you can and must do is pursue intimacy with a few others. If you’re married, this must not be limited to your spouse; no one human being can carry the full weight of another. Who are your people? John Eldredge calls this a fellowship of the heart. Dr. Curt Thompson calls this a confessional community. Dr. John Townsend calls this People Fuel.

And it doesn’t just happen; it requires that you actively go after it.

Don’t know how to find a friend? Here, briefly, is what to do:

• Write down a list of people you know who might be safe enough. Not perfect, but those who might be fellow travelers with you.
• Pray over your list and ask God to highlight one name. Start with one.
• Imagine what it would be like to connect a little more with that person, to go just one level deeper with them.
• Reach out with a phone call or text and plan a time to talk.
• When you meet, say something like, “God’s working on me, and I know I need to connect more. I wonder if you might be one of my people.” And then tell them one challenging part of your story you haven’t told them before.

This is likely to feel awkward; that’s OK. Nothing good grows without time and effort. This is you pursuing the kind of intimacy God created you for.

Pursuing Intimacy with God

Intimacy, communion, is exactly what Jesus wants for you and me. A couple Biblical examples:

• “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me” (John 15:5).
• “so that you may also have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ” (1 John 1:3).

In the church we’ve often paid lip-service to Jesus’ statements such as “abide in Me.” What might happen if we intentionally pursued that?

There’s absolutely no way simply stuffing more facts into your left brain will, by itself, let you have that kind of fellowship, intimacy, communion with God. You must also include the other parts of you; your physical body, your emotions, your right brain’s sensing and experiencing, your trauma history, your desires, and every other part of you.

Here’s how to start pursuing that kind of intimacy with God.

• Get quiet. Even if you have only five minutes. Center yourself. Be present.
• Notice the state of your heart. Be honest with yourself; sad? Frustrated? Angry? Afraid? Notice and name what is true.
• Verbalize that to Jesus. Tell Him what is true about where your heart is right now.
• Pause for a few moments and listen for His voice.

If that’s all you do, your intimacy with Jesus will markedly improve.

Your own heart. A few others. Jesus. That’s how to pursue intimacy.

Your Turn:  Have you embraced your need to pursue intimacy? Where are you seeking fellowship, intimacy, communion, regardless of your relationship status? Leave a comment below.

Want more? On the podcast this week I’m sharing a webinar I did for the Sexual Integrity Leadership Summit titled Single, Christian – and Sexual.  Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• What if the “it” the human heart, your heart, craves is intimacy, fellowship, communion – with a few others and with God? Perhaps that’s the biggest reason why you must pursue intimacy. Tweet that.

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