When I talk with someone for the first time who’s asking for help I usually ask, “What’s your story? How did we get here?” I have yet to talk with someone who doesn’t have pain in their story. That’s why they’re reaching out.

And I’ve also discovered that there’s always more to the story. The first thing is rarely the real thing. They may be trying desperately to forget and move past some hurtful stuff that happened to them, but it keeps blindsiding them. Or they are exhausted from trying to stop some ungodly behavior but keep sliding back into it.

I’ve talked with so many people who feel embarrassed or ashamed because their church attendance, Bible study, and prayer life isn’t changing the places where they feel stuck. Don’t stop praying! If what you’ve been doing is working, keep doing it! But if it isn’t, then maybe there’s more to your story than you’ve yet fully addressed.

When Jesus was here on earth He didn’t shame people for their story or ignore their story. He looked at each person and their story with honesty and compassion, and offered a safe place for them to deal with their story.

This is never more true than when dealing with sexual issues. Love it or hate it, sex is a big deal. And your sexual story matters. That story includes things that happened to you, and things you did in response. And that applies to you whether you’ve experienced overt sexual harm/abuse or not.

So what do you do about your sexual story?

Jesus and Your Sexual Story

When He was here on earth Jesus didn’t shy away from interacting with people who had sexual issues. When talking with the Samaritan woman, the one we call the woman at the well, He said to her, “You’ve had five husbands, and the one you’re with now is not your husband” (John 4:18).

Jesus was not condemning her; He was saying to her, “This is the issue we need to deal with. And I’m a safe place for you to deal with it.” Some have assumed this woman was sexually promiscuous; she could have been. But perhaps one or more of her husbands had died, or left her for another woman, or horribly abused her. Whatever the details, Jesus was inviting her to deal with her sexual story.

And He’s inviting you to do the same. Nothing is too small or too big, too seemingly insignificant or too gross and dark. It matters – to you, and to Him.

How Do I Do That?

Looking at your story with honesty and compassion, as Jesus does, does not mean wallowing in the past forever. Think of Paul, who spent his early years persecuting Christians. After Jesus met him on the Damascus road his life dramatically changed. But Paul spent some years in isolation letting God deal with his “stuff” before ever becoming the missionary to the Gentiles.

In Paul’s later years he could reference his early life not to glory in it or to wallow in shame, but to demonstrate the glory and goodness of God in how He transformed his life. (See Galatians 1:13; Philippians 3:13–14) Paul could do that because he had allowed Jesus full access to his story – good, bad, and ugly.

Your story can lose its sting too. Both the things that have happened to you, and the things you’ve done in response, can lose their grip on you. Any trauma you’ve experienced can come to be finished in your brain. The shame of bad things you’ve done can be disinfected. Your wounds can be healed.

That’s why dealing with your sexual story matters. If any part of you feels unfinished, or empty, or broken, let’s address it now.

Dealing With Your Sexual Story

If you like to read or listen, my book Sexpectations: Reframing Your Good and Not-So-Good Stories About God, Love, and Relationships is all about dealing with your sexual story, inviting Jesus into the middle of it, and experiencing how He transforms your story – and you!

For something more in depth, our Sexpectations online video course is not primarily about information, but an experience that will bring you understanding, healing, and hope. You’ll experience Jesus coming into the middle of your story, and be empowered to write a new chapter in building true intimacy regardless of your relationship status.

There are more related resources on our Sexpectations website. You can download a free chapter of the book, take a free quiz, get a free 30-day devotional series, and more.

Your Turn: What’s your story? What feels unfinished or broken in your life now, and can you see how that relates to unfinished parts of your sexual story? Leave a comment below.

Want more? This week on the podcast I talk with Sam Jolman about reclaiming the heart of masculine sexuality. Listen or watch.

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