One might think that something as vital to our wellbeing as intimacy is wouldn’t be so hard. But it is. You’ve been seeking it ever since you came into this world, and your attempts at true connection have often, perhaps almost always, ended in pain. The ache in your soul may feel raw and bleeding, and your attempts at relief just make it hurt more.

True intimacy is hard. Really hard. You may even hate yourself for needing it so much, or others for depriving you or wounding you in the process. You might even hate God for creating you with that need in the first place.

But no one tells you why. Why is real intimacy so hard? Here are some of the reasons.

1. Intimacy was God’s Idea

God is a relational Being; Father, Son, and Spirit in eternal infinite intimacy. And when He created humans in His image, He created us also with the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy. That’s part of what being made in the image of God means.

So of course evil hates it! The very first thing humankind did when evil entered was to hide. And we’ve been hiding ever since. The enemy brilliantly uses shame to keep us behind walls of our own making, keeping us separated from our own hearts, from others, and from God. And evil will oppose your every move toward authentic intimacy, toward sexual wholeness, toward the kind of connection with others and with God that you most need.

2. Intimacy is Risky

You might get hurt. Most if not all of us have gotten hurt in relationships – with parents, siblings, friends, romantic partners, spouses. Our ability to trust has been wounded, stunted, if we ever developed the capacity to trust in the first place. And real connection is not possible without a measure of trust.

The sad truth is that intimacy is risky. You truly might get hurt. Jesus was let down by those closest to Him at the time He needed them most. And yet he sought deep personal heart-level connection with a few others. Who is your Peter, James, and John? To risk intimacy is to in some measure put yourself at another person’s mercy. Yet doing that wisely (not perfectly) is the only way to ever find wholeness.

3. Lack of Models

The only model most of us have observed or experienced is that of sex. Certainly God intended sex and intimacy to be connected within covenant marriage. But taking off your clothes expecting that alone to lead to real intimacy never works, first, because sex and intimacy, though related, are not the same. Sex without intimacy becomes like empty calories – satiating a physical craving temporarily, while leading to an only slower and more painful death of the deeper parts of your soul.

But where have we seen or experienced truly being seen and known? For many, the answer is Nowhere. It’s hard to move into something you’ve never experienced or seen modeled. How do you know where to start, what it will look like when you get there?

4. Intimacy Takes Effort

In our instant-gratification culture most of us are not used to putting in risky effort over time for something that’s not guaranteed. It feels easier to just drift, assuaging our souls with little (or large) addictions in an attempt to find relief. But I can guarantee that if you don’t put in the effort, you’ll continue to experience feel empty and lonely.

It takes work to identify and carefully, lovingly, dismantle the walls you’ve erected around your own soul, while still learning about and embracing healthy boundaries. When there are ruptures on your way to intimacy, it takes effort to repair them. Integration of your whole heart (intimacy with yourself), seeing and being seen by another human being(s), and deep authentic intimacy with God – each of those things takes time and intentional pursuit.

5. We were Made for Eternity

What your heart longs for most can only partially be fulfilled here, on this earth, in this life. The eros in your soul, at its deepest level, was meant to pull you toward eternity and the eternal union with God Himself. Everything short of that will eventually disappoint. That’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, “but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again” (John 4:14).

We truly need to be seen and known with others here and now, as Jesus did while on earth. And that will always only feel partial and incomplete, because it is. Our souls will always feel restless until they find their rest in Him (thanks, St. Augustine).

What Now?

So, it’s hard. Now what?

If you’re satisfied with your addictions, your hiding, your hurt or shame, your emptiness, neither I nor anyone else can help you. But if you were truly satisfied, you probably wouldn’t be reading this. Like the gift of physical pain that lepers loose and therefore loose their ability to know when something physically is wrong, our longing and heartache can become the internal marker needed and can provide energy to pursue the kind of wholeness, freedom, and true intimacy you were made for.

Let your hunger for intimacy fuel your choice to find healing, to do the sometimes grueling work of finding your people, and to relentlessly pursue intimacy with God. And keep eternity in mind as you do the hard work to seek integration in your own soul, develop the capacity for true intimacy with others, and pursue daily and increasing heart union with the Lover of your soul that will last into and throughout eternity.

Yes, intimacy is hard – because it’s so valuable. Pursuing it is worth the cost.

Your Turn: Have you settled for something less because true intimacy is hard? What have been the barriers in your own life, mind, and heart to wholeness for yourself, real connection with others, and heart union with God?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On this week’s podcast episode I talk with Erin Moniz about Fulfilling Your Need for Intimacy. Don’t miss this! Listen or watch.

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