What do you need to do in order to bring your best self to the people who matter most? What would make you proud of how you handled things if you looked back at this season a year from now? This is not who the other person wants you to be; it’s becoming who your relationship needs you to be.

That question requires, first, that you care. But assuming there’s someone, and probably several people, who matter to you, that question can help clarify a lot. It also requires that you move beyond seeing people as objects to be used for your own benefit, and instead see them as children of God, loved and valued by Him.

Because I experienced the death of my husband some years ago, I often get asked to help someone who is walking through grief after the death of a loved one. One of the most frequent challenges they express is feeling regret over the ways they failed the person they loved.

Yes, we all hurt those closest to us. But you have the opportunity right now to work toward bringing your best self to whatever relationship is weighing on your heart.

Who is God calling you to be, right now, to your spouse? Your child? Your parent? Your close friend? Your other family member? This does not mean enmeshment, but it does mean you can get healthier in how you bring yourself to this relationship.

How do you do that? You didn’t wake up one day and decide to not be your best. If things are going less-than-well, consider which of these categories might be the next place for you to engage in becoming the person God needs you to be in this situation.

Your Own Baggage

Along the way you likely learned ways of relating that are not serving you well now. Assumptions you developed from observing your parents’ relationship or parenting may be causing problems today. You responded to the hard things, perhaps even trauma, you experienced by building walls around your own heart – for self-protection – that keep others at a distance now. The ways you learned to handle – or not handle – conflict, communication, emotions, intimacy, and more impact you now.

This does not mean you caused whatever relationship difficulties you are experiencing. But you can’t change that other person; you can only choose who you will be today, in this situation. And if you’re not bringing your best, there may be unfinished baggage of your own that’s playing a role.

Self-reflection; picture how a truly healthy person, or Jesus, would respond to this relationship challenge. What is keeping you from responding in that way? You may need to get some help to work through your own “stuff” so it no longer interferes in being the person you need to be today.

Clarifying Priorities

If you want to know what matters most to you, look at your calendar and your bank account. Are you happy with what you see? If not, clarifying your priorities is where you have agency; you can do something about this.

If you’re married, are you investing in the daily, weekly, and periodic things that build a strong relationship? A good marriage doesn’t just happen! Perhaps you need to invest in regular date nights, communicating to get on the same page, some marriage counseling, or a few days away just the two of you.

Parenting is not for wimps! And some parenting situations are harder than others. If you’re not satisfied with how you’re doing, you might need to learn from other parents, say no to extra work so you can be more present, learn to look at the world through your child’s eyes, or gather the courage to move away from codependency to guidance and empowerment. And this is a big deal in moving away from codependency with your own parents as well.

Any relationship that’s less-than-good deserves a thoughtful consideration of, How important is this person to me? Do my priorities reflect that?

Self-reflection; imagine your funeral. What would you want this person to be able to say about you, and to feel about you, should they outlive you? If you need to adjust your priorities so that could be true, start today.

Filling Up Your Tank

If you’re empty, you have little or nothing to give. Often the most helpful thing you can do is invest in those things that fill you up. Then you have more of yourself to offer the person you care about most.

As an example, I was coaching a young new mom who was struggling to re-engage sexually with her husband. She was feeling so negative about her body. One of the most helpful things she did was join a gym; she loved exercise, and this helped her feel stronger in her body and better about herself in general. She then had more inner substance with which to engage with her husband.

Where do you need to be filled up? What nourishes your soul? It might be caring for your physical body, engaging in creative activities, some intentional rest, time with a few friends, time in nature. In some seasons of life this becomes very challenging, but that only makes it more important. This does not mean you neglect the people closest to you; it means you do the work to feed yourself so you then have something to give.

Self-reflection; am I getting intentionally filled up regularly? Where am I empty? And what steps do I need to take to find some internal nourishment?

Hearing God’s Voice

Most of all, you need God’s voice to guide you. Ask Him that question specifically; “Who are You asking me to be to this person in this season?”

That will always be loving, but it may include being firm. It may mean extending grace and seeking understanding. Or setting boundaries, or having hard conversations, or perhaps taking your grubby hands off so He can do His work in them.

Relationship issues may be some of the deepest and hardest challenges we face; that makes them even more important to bring to Jesus. Ask for His input! But do more than just pray, “Jesus, please make this person do this.” Get quiet and listen to His perspective. Ask Him to show you how He sees that person’s heart, your own heart, and the whole situation.

Self reflection; Get quiet. And ask Jesus, “Who are You asking me to be in this situation? What next step do You need me to take?”

Be intentional in becoming who your relationship needs you to be.

Your Turn: What relationship is troubling you right now? How would you evaluate who you are being in this situation? What do you need to do next in order to bring your best you to this relationship?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On the podcast this week I talk with Clint and Deana Thayer about being the best you through the challenges of a blended family.  Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• What do you need to do in order to become who your relationship needs you to be? You’ll either be proud of your answer in the future, or wish you had paid more attention today.  Tweet that.

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