People will let you down. It might be an inadvertent misunderstanding, or it might be an intentional and destructive betrayal. After a rupture in a relationship you have a choice about what to do next. If you’ve caused pain to someone you care about, you have work to do. But today I’m speaking to the person who’s experienced harm, who feels deeply wounded, perhaps blindsided. How do you move forward after betrayal?

As Christians we appropriately adopt Jesus’ direction to forgive those who hurt us. Jesus demonstrated that and asks us to do the same. But misunderstandings about forgiveness have caused many to either feel guilt and shame because they can’t forget, or to remain in truly destructive situations. Neither is what Jesus asks us to do. There’s a difference between forgiveness and trust, sometimes a world of difference.

To use a contemporary and perhaps dramatic example, just days after her husband Charlie’s death Erika Kirk forgave his killer – publicly, while millions of people watched. All those who saw that moment were deeply moved. Only God knows her heart, but the moment seemed real, even holy. But that choice to forgive does not mean Erika would then trust the killer to be part of her armed protection detail. Forgiveness does not equal trust.

Let’s look at the journey after betrayal – starting with forgiveness, the role of boundaries, moving toward reconciliation, and then possible trust.

What Forgiveness IS and ISN’T

Forgiveness is a big topic, and there are researchers who have spent their whole career studying this. Forgiveness increases wellbeing physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. But there are many misconceptions about what forgiveness actually is.

Forgiveness does not mean it’s OK. (It’s not OK; that’s why forgiveness is the only way forward.) Forgiveness is not quick or easy. It’s not primarily a feeling. And it does not by itself mean the relationship can or will continue.

Forgiveness deals with the past. It sets you free. In order to forgive you need to pause long enough to look at how you’ve been wounded. This happened to me. And this is how it affected me. For “big” things it will probably take time to fully understand the impact of the harm you’ve experienced.

You can choose to forgive regardless of whether the other person acknowledges the harm done or is even still alive. It starts with a decision, such as the one Erika Kirk made. And you may have to make that decision over and over again.

Setting and Keeping Boundaries

Some people have no boundaries at all; anyone can stomp all over your life, mess with your stuff, and take whatever they want for themselves. Other people have a ten-foot-high brick wall around them that lets no one and nothing in or out. Neither way of living is wise.

When someone has hurt you, boundaries are often necessary, healthy, and godly. If someone stole money from you, they don’t get access to your bank account. A coworker who leaked confidential information doesn’t get access to confidential information again. If you discover your spouse is cheating on you (physically or with porn), they don’t get access to your body sexually – at least for now.

Boundaries are not punishment; boundaries are safeguards that keep you protected. It’s you deciding what you will do under certain circumstances. You can’t control or change the other person, but you get to decide what you allow into your life. That might look something like, “I don’t choose to live with someone who is actively drinking. So as long as you continue to drink, you cannot live in this home.”

This is often messy. And you are likely to need some outside support to see what boundaries might be important, and to help you abide by them.

Considering Reconciliation

Forgiveness and boundaries only depend on you. Reconciliation requires the other person’s involvement. This is where the rupture in your relationship has a chance for repair. If forgiveness is about the past, reconciliation is about the present. (And remember; if the bad behavior is ongoing now, it’s not in the past!)

For the repair to happen, the person who caused the harm will have to acknowledge the pain they caused. Feelings tend to be messy here. For you as the harmed party, you will need to sense some empathy in the other person; they feel the weight of how you were impacted.

When a marriage has been ruptured through infidelity, many struggle with whether to “take their partner back.” Don’t make this decision lightly! Briefly, if your partner is only sorry they got caught, is blaming you, or minimizes the harm they caused, reconciliation is not an option. The couples that successfully reconcile are able to grieve together; each becomes able to stay on the “pain field” with their spouse for as long as it takes, allowing all the feelings to be there.

Reconciliation brings things back to baseline. But that doesn’t mean the relationship goes back to where it was before. Boundaries will still be needed. You’re exploring together if a new relationship might be possible.

Rebuilding Trust

Here we talk about the future. Trust requires evidence that the future may be different than the past. The alcoholic is going to AA three times a week. The porn addict has internet blocking software on every device – and you have the passwords. You see the person who harmed you engaged in an ongoing process of becoming different.

Trust is fragile; it can be lost in a moment, and it usually takes a long time to rebuild, much longer than the people involved usually want it to. Trust is not an intellectual thing; it’s right-brain emotional process, often colored by your past story around trust. And it rebuilds slowly.

Some also see trust as all-or-nothing; that’s an immature way of looking at it. As you see the other person doing their own work not to please you, but because they are truly engaged in becoming a different person, you start to test things a little. You extend a little trust, and they come through. You ask a question and they don’t get defensive. Together you are building new patterns of relating.

And the good news is that the connection you have after the painful process of repair can be even stronger and more satisfying than it ever was before.

The Long Road

This process applies to any significant area of broken trust, though it might be most obvious with broken trust in marriage. It’s taken you just a few minutes to read this. But depending on your details this process will take much longer to actually walk through, sometimes years. If you’re struggling to see what your next step might be after betrayal, or feel stuck in moving forward, get some help. You’re worth it. (One of the things I offer is individual coaching.)

I wish for you the freedom of forgiveness. And I pray with you that God do His work in the other person’s heart so that reconciliation and perhaps trust can be part of your story.

Your Turn: In the relationship where you’ve been hurt the worst, what step are you experiencing right now in this process of forgiveness, boundaries, reconciliation, and trust? Do you sense what you need to do next?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? This week’s podcast is a conversation with Dana Che about rebuilding intimacy after betrayal and broken trust. And she knows what that’s like!  Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• It’s NOT forgive and forget. There’s a process required. It’s doing the work of forgiveness, setting healthy boundaries, considering reconciliation, and doing the slow work of rebuilding trust. This can’t be rushed.  Tweet that.

Getting to the Matters of the Heart

The wounds, the unhealthy beliefs, the behavior patterns, the internal struggles, the spiritual oppression especially around intimacy, sex, and relationships – we can help with that.

Join us at an upcoming intensive – a beautiful 3-4 day premium experience that can change so much. Bring the hard places of your story into the light, and experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story with healing, freedom, and transformation.