I can’t be vulnerable; people will walk all over me. … People don’t like my honest self, so I have to keep pretending. Sentiments such as those highlight the challenges of finding true connection. It feels dangerous, but part of you wants it. You know you need it. Let’s explore learning to navigate these tensions as you seek to experience authentic intimacy.

God created you and me with the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy. That’s part of how we are created in His image. It’s what evil has worked so hard to mar and destroy. A wonderful way to imagine the whole plan of redemption is looking at restoring our ability to experience intimacy – with others, and with God.

But how do you learn that? Your wounds have “taught” you all kinds of lies and distortions, and relearning healthy intimacy is a process. Here are four challenges or tensions you’re likely to face in this journey. Understanding this will help you come to experience authentic intimacy more effectively.

1. Breaking Down Walls vs. Maintaining Boundaries

What’s the fence like around your life?

Some people have a mile-high 10-foot-thick brick wall preventing anyone and anything from getting in or out. You don’t want to get hurt again. It seems to feel safer that way.

Others have no barrier at all. Anyone and anything can come in, walk all over your yard, take your stuff, and use up your resources. You constantly feel powerless and exploited.

There is a third option. As a child of God you can decide who and what you allow into your life, body, home, mind, and heart. “Keep your heart with all vigilance” is the principle (Proverbs 4:23). Some people are toxic, or drain life out of you; limit your time around them. Some people are life-giving and lift you up; cultivate time with them. Take in nourishing media, but keep away from input that tempts or contaminates your heart and mind.

You need people fuel! It’s one of the most important things for your growth and wellbeing. It takes effort to make it happen, and you can get better at choosing well where and with whom you let down your walls.

2. Finding Safe People vs. Showing Grace

There is no perfect relationship, marriage, friendship, church, or small group. And if there were, it would immediately be messed up when you showed up! But not everyone is equally safe.

If someone has an evil heart and delights in causing distress, don’t stick around. But some people play an important and valuable role in your life even though they can’t be trusted with everything. Perhaps they have deep knowledge in a certain area, but they aren’t reliable in follow-through. Or they care about you deeply, but they tend to offer only a quick fix or a spiritual bypass. These people you stay connected with, but limit your vulnerability with them.

And even those closest to you will disappoint you (as you will them). Peter, James, and John let Jesus down when He needed them, but He pursued deep connection with them and showed them grace. Yes, their bad behavior mattered, but Jesus didn’t pull away from relationship with them.

Some call this finding safe enough people. The one, two, three people you allow closest to you need to have a good heart. They will not willingly choose to cause you harm. And if they do hurt you, they are able to respond when you let them know, apologize, and work to repair things. Such a process of repair can actually deepen the connection between you.

This is the kind of person you show grace to and nurture a relationship with.

3. Embracing Personal Agency vs. Being Vulnerable

You can’t order intimacy from Amazon Prime, or force it when you want it. Intimacy must be freely offered, just like love. But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless, left either trying to grasp it from an unwilling partner, or sitting back waiting for someone to offer it.

On one hand, you step up and embrace your own personal agency in moving toward the goodness of intimacy your heart needs and desires. That means you do your own work to address the “stuff” in your own heart that makes you your own worst enemy. And you are proactive in reaching out to someone else or a few others, making yourself an invitation for them to come closer. This is you owning your side of the street and taking action.

But there’s no guarantee the other person(s) will respond exactly as you wish. The closer you get to someone, the more vulnerable your heart becomes. And that’s as God created things to be. When Jesus came close to us, coming to be with us (Matthew 1:23), He made Himself vulnerable to be hurt by those He loved and came to save. That’s what love does. That’s what intimacy is.

As C.S. Lewis wrote, “The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” But as Jesus demonstrated, remaining vulnerable, pursuing intimacy, is worth it.

4. Honesty and Authenticity vs. Showing Empathy

For true intimacy to happen the relationship must be mutual. It’s not only about you. And it’s not only about them.

You must have a place with one or a few others where you are truly seen and known. Where you take off any masks, are your authentic self, and stop hiding. No walking on eggshells. No pretending. This is where any ugly thoughts or feelings can be brought into the light. If the relationship experiences a rupture, it’s a place to do the work of repair.

But remember it’s not only about you; it’s about them too. The other person(s) also has ugly thoughts and feelings. What you say and do affects them too. For intimacy to happen they also need to feel safe with you. This needs to also be a space where they can truly be themselves. And for that to happen, they must experience some empathy from you.

This is the dance of intimacy. It may seem impossible to not walk on eggshells while letting yourself be fully seen and known. But if you have chosen a safe enough person(s) as part of your Peter, James, and John, both of you find more healing in the process, and you can repair ruptures that will happen.

Growing Toward More Healthy Intimacy

Navigating these tensions takes a growing measure of maturity. But if you recognize which side you tend to fall into in each of these areas, you can get back on the road to growth and wholeness.

Take these descriptions as aspirational – it’s where you want to move toward. Like learning any new skill, it will feel awkward for a while, perhaps a long while. And you keep going anyway.

I wish for you the goodness and nourishment of growing in your capacity for intimacy.

Your Turn: Take one of these 4 tensions. Which side do you tend to fall into? Imagine what it would look like to navigate that tension in a healthier way. I’d love to hear from you.  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On this week’s podcast you’ll hear therapist and my friend Zion Montgomery’s talk from our Change(d) Conference 2024, about how we need to embrace both prayer and the healing process. Listen or watch.

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