Feelings are fickle. They’re real, but they’re unreliable. Emotions can be affected by everything happening both inside you and around you. You may see your emotions as overwhelming and feel you are at their mercy. Or you may try to ignore them and pretend they’re not important. A much healthier way is to befriend your feelings – and lead them.

I’ve been down both those roads – either trying to stuff emotions or letting them lead. Feelings make a very poor god or guide. But trying to make them go away doesn’t work either. As followers of Jesus we can learn to right-size the emotional part of who God created us to be.

Without emotions life would be colorless and purely clinical. God built us with the capacity to experience sadness, anger, pain, grief, fatigue, peace, joy, hope, and love. Many of those encompass more than just feelings, but you can’t experience any of them without feelings. Jesus expressed and experienced them all.

You know that letting your emotions control you is neither healthy nor godly, but neither is stuffing and denying them. So here are some key steps to help you befriend your feelings, and make your emotions work for you rather than against you.

Befriend Your Feelings

1. Both “positive” and “negative” emotions can be healthy.

Shutting down emotions that seem negative means cutting yourself off from the positive feelings also; you can’t be open to experiencing one without the other. The pleasure center and pain center in your brain are quite close to each other. The opposite of love is not anger, but apathy. Deep pain can be very close to deep love and a profound sense of meaning.

God’s goal for you is not creature comfort or superficial happiness. It’s not until eternity that pain will be eliminated. In our journey now we must find the godly healthy place that emotions have in our lives. Choosing to embrace pain or grief, for example, is the only way to find healing and the hope, true comfort, and lasting joy that will result.

Make the choice to allow both “positive” and “negative” emotions to have a voice.

2. Feelings are a window into the state of your heart.

It’s the old “thermometer or thermostat” analogy. Feelings are a very helpful thermometer, but they make a very poor thermostat; they let you know what’s going on, but they’re dreadful as a means of managing the environment around you. “Negative” feelings provide an alert; it’s your internal system telling you to slow down and notice what’s going on. Fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, pain – they’re screaming “pay attention!”

Learn to see your emotions as a window into your heart. What do you need next? It might be you need to rest, to get some wise outside input, or to seek God’s wisdom. You might need to forgive, to find connection with other people, or choose some soul nourishment.

Your feelings are providing valuable information that you can then use in making thoughtful decisions about what to do next.

3. Emotions are true, but they are not the whole truth.

You really are afraid. You really do hurt. You really are excited, or sexually charged up, or happy. Denying that reality won’t help. You feel the way you feel regardless of whether anyone else acknowledges it, or whether you acknowledge it to yourself or not. God sees you, and He knows how you feel also.

But He also knows “the rest of the story,” and you would do well to remember that there’s more to the story too. Just like the way picking up your child can make booboos all better and monsters disappear, stepping back for a moment (or even better, running into God’s arms) can help you see more of the truth.

Acknowledge your feelings, and then look for the rest of the truth. (If sexual feelings are an issue for you, check out our YourSexpectations website for lots of help.)

4. Feelings can change when you change your habits, thoughts, and lifestyle.

Yes, feelings are fickle. They can be affected by how much you slept last night, what you had for breakfast, habitual thinking patterns, the people around you, and so much more. A problem may seem much smaller after a good run, a decent night’s sleep, or a talk with a friend.

If your feelings are not what you would like them to be, pay attention to the input your mind is receiving. You might need to change your physical or mental diet, or spend time around different people. The consistent small changes you make in the input your brain receives can change your emotions.

Feeling sad? Lament well. And then choose to look for something good.

Feeling anxious or afraid? Focus on the choices you do have. And then turn the rest over to God.

Feeling bitter or angry? Acknowledge the hurt. And then learn about healthy forgiveness.

Emotions tend to role like a wave; a feeling will rise in intensity and then lessen. Learn to notice the feeling and then make a conscious choice about what to do next.

5. Don’t make decisions based on emotions.

Seeking pleasure, or seeking relief from pain at any cost, may be natural human motivations, but that type of motivation results in addiction, emptiness, and eventually destruction. Solomon echoed that: “I thought in my heart, “Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good.” But that also proved to be meaningless. “Laughter,” I said, “is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?”” (Ecclesiastes 2:1-2)

The alternative is to feel your emotions and let them inform you, but don’t let them control you. Like Jesus did, go ahead and weep, feel angry, agonize, sleep, grieve, rejoice, relax, give, and love. Pause and feel your feelings. But make the direction of your life, the thing you seek after, being about your Father’s business.

Emotions and Maturity

As a growing maturing follower of Jesus your feelings can find their proper place in your life. You can learn to experience both deep sadness and profound joy, overwhelming pain and irrepressible hope, real distress and unshakable confidence in the good future your Father has for you.

If you’re not used to befriending your feelings, you might start with this simple paradigm. Some have described four root basic emotions; mad, sad, glad, and afraid. Begin with taking a couple minutes each morning and evening to notice which of those four emotional states is most “real” for you right now. Sit with that for a moment, and then express it to God in prayer.

May you enjoy the color and goodness of the emotional life God built you for as you befriend your feelings.

Struggling with Fear and Anxiety?

Living in fear and anxiety only wears you out and doesn’t change anything. Don’t stay there!

I’ve prepared a free resource guide Your 5-Part Prescription for Fear and Anxiety.  It looks at the integrated way in which God made you and me – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And it provides practical ways in which you can begin living FREE from fear and anxiety right away.

Your Turn: Have you tended to stuff your emotions? Or allowed emotions to rule you? Which of these above steps do you need to take as you befriend your feelings?   Feel free to leave your comment below.

Want More? This week on the podcast A.J. Swoboda talks about the emotion of desire, and why we might not really want everything we want. Listen or Watch.

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