What have you lost? Have you learned to grieve your losses?

We might not like to think about that. We might prefer to pretend it didn’t matter that much, that we’re strong enough to quickly move on, that we’re really OK – thank you very much. But loss is a part of life this side of Eden. And our spiritual formation requires we learn to grieve. The better we grieve, the more integrated and whole we become.

In God’s original design there was no loss, no death, no grief. But with the fall that all changed. I can only begin to imagine the heartbreak Adam and Eve felt the first time they saw a flower wilt or a bird never fly again, not to mention the death of their son Abel. And grief has been a reality for humans ever since.

So again, what have you lost?

It might have been the death of someone close to you; that certainly deserves grief. But there are also many other losses we experience. Let me invite you to attune to the anatomy of grief in your own soul, and to invite Jesus into that tender and vital place.

Your Inventory of Losses

Because of the death of my husband, I’m sometimes invited to walk with someone as they are wrestling with grief. One thing I learned in my own grief journey, and have seen countless times in others, is that a significant loss often brings up a series of other incompletely grieved losses. That stack of losses can become even more challenging to navigate than the one current loss.

For me, the death of my husband also highlighted my loss of ever having a biological child. I am so grateful and happy to have my stepsons and their families as part of my life, but I will never get the opportunity to raise a child of my own. And in his death I also lost a business partner, a confidant, a co-host, a media strategist, a coach, and more.

It can help to make an inventory of your losses. And remember, this doesn’t only apply when someone dies. You might have lost a marriage, a friendship, a beloved home, a career, your health, or a sense of identity that came with one of those parts of your life.

And sometimes we need to grieve the loss of something we imagined we had but never actually did. You might have discovered your spouse betrayed you; grieve the marriage you thought you had – but perhaps never did. You may need to grieve the parent you needed but never had, the public perception of yourself or your family that was actually a lie, the false sense of financial security ripped away by a vulnerability you were oblivious to, or a reliable friend you discovered has been working against you all along.

Sadness is akin to grief. Whenever you’re aware of feeling sad, ask yourself, “What have I lost?”

Walking Through Grief

It’s an illusion that following Jesus means we will not experience loss. Grief is part of the suffering we can anticipate in this life. And God uses it to shape, mature, and transform us into the likeness of Jesus.

It’s not the loss that counts; it’s what you do with it that matters. It’s possible to pretend that loss has not affected you; that only keeps the deepest part of your soul walled off from anything good. It’s also possible to get stuck in raging against the loss. That kind of bitterness eats away at your soul from the inside, increasing misery for yourself and everyone around you.

The thing to do with your losses is to grieve them. That requires that you allow yourself to feel. Sadness is an emotion some have never learned to embrace. You might pretend you’re not really sad, or try to distract yourself with entertainment, busyness, or addiction. The pain of loss can be really deep. Anger is an appropriate emotion, but it is often secondary to the true pain underneath.

What the Bible illustrates, and what many cultures do better than our contemporary Western culture, is how to sit with the sadness, the pain, the unfulfilled longing, the grief. Rituals can help. Doing this in community is vital. This applies not only when someone close to you dies, but also with the death of a marriage, a dream, a career, a friendship, a family as you knew it, anything important.

Take some quiet time to sit and notice the shape of your soul. Feel the pain. Name it. Express it. And invite a safe enough person to see that grief with you.

Jesus in Your Grief

And while you’re sitting with your grief, invite Jesus right into the middle of it. The Bible makes this clear:

• “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).
• “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
• “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).

There may be no time when the presence of Jesus can seem closer and more precious than during a time of grief. That doesn’t make the loss hurt less. It doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage will be restored, your reputation will be rehabilitated, or your dreams will finally be fulfilled. But those who experience His comfort in such times of grief come to know they wouldn’t trade His presence for anything. You may not feel grateful for the loss, but you can become, as I have, profoundly grateful for who God becomes to you in the journey as you learn to grieve your losses.

Whatever you have lost, I pray you know the beauty and solace of the comfort of Jesus (2 Corinthians 1:3-4), and experience how He turns those ashes of mourning into the oil of gladness (Isaiah 61:3).

Take time to grieve your losses. Hold them up to Jesus.

Your turn: What losses have you experienced? Have you adequately grieved your losses? Which do you need to hold up to Jesus now?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? The podcast this week is my conversation with Dr. Sarita Lyons about honoring your mother even when it’s hard, including grieving the mother you needed but never had.  Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• Grief is the appropriate response to any loss, not only death. Ungrieved losses prevent you becoming whole. Which of your losses do you still need to grieve, and hold up to Jesus? Tweet that.

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