You are not an island. You have an impact on other people whether you realize it or not, and whether you want to or not. You matter – a lot! But this is also about more than just you. Your inner life gives off a fragrance that affects others. Who you become has ripple effects that can feel sobering.

You see this most in your closest relationships. When you get married, if you’re at all observant you begin to realize how you affect another person. Your anger, stonewalling, fear, or shame leak out even if you don’t want them to. You may try to justify your addictions and keep them hidden, but it doesn’t work. Your porn use affects how you show up to your spouse. Your alcohol use keeps you from being fully present. Even if your spouse is acting badly, your marriage is not all it could be in some measure because of you.

And then your children provide a sobering mirror of how you show up in the world. You start hearing your own words coming out of their mouths. How you handle media, emotions, challenges, people – you see it showing up in a little person who came from you. Your strengths may show up in them, but so do your weaknesses, even sins. A moment of self-reflection may bring a sense of, “Who is sufficient for these things?”

And then there’s the larger impact of who you are to the broader world. What’s it like to be your coworker, friend, boss, employee, pastor, neighbor, customer, etc?

Those realities can feel embarrassing, even shameful. So you minimize your issues, or indulge your addiction again so you don’t have to think about it. Or you might try to control those closest to you to try to “make” them different from the person you are actually influencing them to become.

Ouch!

Fuel and Motivation

Reflecting on Jesus’ life, what was it like to be near Him? Two things stand out. First, everyone who came near would have felt welcomed and drawn closer. Jesus was scandalously safe, especially to those who society looked down on. And second, no one would have imagined that anything other than complete righteousness was acceptable. In that sense Jesus was also scandalously dangerous. The amazing thing was that His very presence seemed to make goodness, transformation, possible.

Is that the effect I have on people? Do I exude a fragrance that makes people want to come closer? (See 2 Corinthians 2:14-16) Are those who know me best lifted up by being near me? And are they at the same time spurred on to pursue their own transformation? Do they hunger to be closer to Jesus because they’ve been around me? Or does my life make them more likely to turn away from Him?

There’s no greater motivation to become more like Jesus than that. My own becoming is important for me. My story, my feelings, my wellbeing, my wholeness matter because I matter to God. But even more true, my fatigue or fear or anger matters hugely because it affects how I show up to the people in my life. My time with God in the morning, the way I steward my energy and mental wholeness, how much sleep I get – all that and more greatly impacts you as the person who encounters me.

Your Transformation

Reading that you might think, Then the world is better off without me. I’ll just crawl into my hole and stay there. Let me categorically say, That’s a lie. Recognize that as a lie, and send it back to where it came from – hell.

Ruth Haley Barton says that greatest thing any of us can offer is “your own transforming self.” And that seems hard and slow! Your own transformation isn’t a checklist or series of steps that can promise a certain outcome by Friday; it’s a process of allowing the Holy Spirit ongoing access to your being, and when He asks you to address something you say “Yes.” It’s the 2mm/day long obedience in the same direction of giving God permission and cooperating with Him in growing the new brain pathways needed for you to be the person He needs you to be.

The result will be more than you can imagine right now. Your spouse may not be impressed by a single kind word, one moment of emotional understanding, or 30 days of refraining from your addiction. But they will not be able to ignore that you are becoming different on the inside. Your walls are coming down. You’re able to be present physically, emotionally, spiritually. The unconscious immediate responses you offer are not all about you. You’re becoming able to see the world through their eyes. You’re a different person.

Your kids may have been, almost guaranteed have been, wounded by you in some way. Your apologies matter a great deal, but what matters so much more is who you become. More than any words you say, they will remember their parent doing the long and hard work to become different. When they face their own need for transformation, your example of changing from the inside out will be the most powerful message in their soul that they too can become more whole.

It’s Not All About You

Perhaps you struggle to find the internal fuel and motivation to do the hard work of self-reflection, connecting with others who are also on this journey, and submitting the parts of you to Jesus that need to be changed. But if you can’t do it for you, do it for them. Do it for the people closest to you who are most affected by your yet-unlike-Jesus self. Do it for the larger cloud of witnesses your life will touch.

It’s not only for you; it’s for them too. And that becomes truly glorious.

Your Turn: What effect has your inner life had on the people closest to you? What next step do you need to say Yes to so Jesus can do His work in you?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? The podcast this week is a conversation with Sarah Siegand about parents engaging in the fight for your children – in the best possible way. Listen or watch.

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• News flash; it’s not all about you. Your inner life affects others. And who you become will affect those closest to you the most. That’s the biggest reason to do the long and sometimes hard work of pursuing transformation. Tweet that.

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