You are wired to need people. You can’t get away from that even if you try. But many may find themselves deep in a friendship, or a marriage, or a romantic relationship and wonder, “Is this all there is?” The human connection fills you up for a moment, but something goes flat or sideways. What do you do now?

This can show up in many contexts. A young woman has grown up in a home where her father was absent, unpredictable, or abusive. She meets a perhaps older man who shows her the attention and affection she’s been starving for. If that man is a good man she may find some security but later be disappointed when parts of her heart still feel so empty. If that man is not a good man, she becomes vulnerable to control, abuse, or even trafficking.

A young man’s early exposure to pornography taught him that it’s a guaranteed way to “feel better” – for a moment. He may hate his addiction and expect that once he gets married his “need” for porn will go away. If he doesn’t face the deeper heart issues, he’ll feel even more self-contempt when his married sex life doesn’t cure the pull of porn on his soul.

The lonely person finally finds a friend, but either drives them away with smothering neediness, or leaves the first time that friend disappoints their expectations. The overwhelmed leader quickly hires what seems like the perfect #2 who can handle everything, and is disillusioned when that person’s limitations become clear.

Yes, you need people. AND, whether husband, wife, friend, employee, pastor, or therapist, this relationship won’t fix you.

That realization can be depressing. Some people respond by cutting off anyone and everyone, hoping to prevent more pain and disappointment. Nobody wants me. I’m too much. Some people voraciously run from one relationship to another; if only I could find a spouse who would give me more sex. Maybe I need a different pastor or therapist. How’s that working out for you?

So what do you do?

Learning to Feed Yourself

Long ago you learned to feed yourself. You no longer need your parents or caretakers to bring you a bottle or feed you one spoonful at a time. You know when you’re hungry, and how to find your own food, prepare it, eat it, and metabolize it into your body. It’s the same with the emotional/spiritual nourishment you need.

Expecting other people to fill up the empty places in your soul doesn’t end well. You will need to exert your agency in dealing with your own inner world. Learn how to notice and lead your thoughts and emotions rather than either ignoring them or running after everything that enters your mind. Seek out the truly nourishing experiences such as embracing beauty in nature, music, or art. Intentionally pursue healing for the places you need it.

Expecting a certain relationship to fix you will always disappoint. This is even true in marriage; if Adam looks to Eve to fill him up, if Eve expects Adam to be her everything, it will not end well. But you do need people. So what now?

Healthy Human Connection

Dr. Curt Thompson and others have translated neurobiological research for many of the rest of us, demonstrating the necessary and powerful impact of healthy human connections on our wellbeing, healing, and spiritual growth. You can’t become whole off by yourself. Even Jesus needed, truly needed, Peter, James, and John.

So, following Jesus’ example, we must pursue connection with others, intentionally taking in the goodness people do have to offer, and also generously offering the same to them. One of the most destructive patterns in human relationships is when you make it about only getting what you need/want. Relationships, including marriage, thrive only when there is mutuality.

It helps to understand what people can and can’t do for you. I often talk with people who are disappointed when people don’t provide what people were never designed to give, but they’re also not pursuing the goodness that God designed us to only get through healthy human connection.

If you’re married, you may say, “my spouse is the only place I can get sex; of course I expect it from them.” Or, “my spouse doesn’t show me any affection or love.” You can’t change your spouse! Your marriage might need a lot of healing. But what’s it been like to be married to you? Pay attention to what you can change. And you need other friends also.

Connection with God Himself

And most of all, God will never allow Himself to become indispensable. As critically important as healthy human relationships are, they can never take the place of your own deep heart connection with Him.

Your heart will never be satisfied with simply an intellectual understanding of God (not that we can completely understand Him). I’m talking about the kind of life that only comes through being securely attached to the Vine (see John 15:5). Like it was for Jesus, intimacy with your Heavenly Father becomes the air you breathe.

Your internal picture of God may need some real healing for you to experience that kind of connection. This will include learning to go to the Bible for spiritual food instead of just seeking information. It will include learning to hear God’s voice. Perhaps most of all it includes learning to be with Jesus; that’s where transformation happens.

This is the relationship that will fix you.

Your Turn: Have you expected a relationship to fix you and been disappointed? Which of these – learning to feed yourself, pursuing human relationships for what they can offer, or developing the kind of relationship with God that you need – do you need to focus on next?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On this week’s podcast I talk with Dr. John Van Epp about jerks, red flags, and God’s design for healthy lasting relationships. Listen or watch.

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• This relationship won’t fix you. You need people! And, too often we expect a certain human relationship to fix something that they can’t fix. Here’s how to think about where you can go for the “fix” you need.  Tweet that.

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