You learned things about intimacy, sex, and relationships long before you knew you were learning anything. What you saw modeled with your parents, what you experienced in childhood or early relationships, your own attachment style – these and more shaped your assumptions. In the process you came believe some lies that kill intimacy.

Many of these lies contain a grain of truth, just enough truth to give them a little plausibility. And it’s this kind of lies that are the most powerful and insidious.

Think about what you learned (consciously or unconsciously), what you’ve come to assume as true about sex and relationships. Have you come to believe any of these common lies that kill intimacy?

1. You must have a happy satisfying sex life to be fully alive and whole.

This lie is deep in our culture. Sex is powerful; that’s why it’s used to sell anything from toothpaste to cars. The Christian church has taken this lie and baptized it to say therefore you must get married to be fully alive and whole.

This lie has led to all kinds of intimacy gone wrong, such as porn addiction, feeling entitled to sex, betrayal, trauma or rape in married sex, and more. There are other factors affecting these “intimacy gone wrong” categories, certainly. But the lie is destructive. I would be rich if I had a dollar for every single person who said, “If I just get married my porn struggle will go away.” Or every married person who said, “If my spouse would just give me more sex everything would be OK.” All lies.

Witness Jesus, the most Fully Alive human being who ever lived. And He never had sex, never was married. How did He do it? Studying His life will help you overcome this lie.

2. Intimacy is about romance and sex.

Romance idolatry and marriage idolatry are serious impediments to wholeness. God intended romance and marriage to be good things, but it’s good things that make the best idols when they’re out of their proper place in our lives.

Again, witness Jesus. Though He never had sex, He deeply needed intimacy. And so do you and I. For Jesus, that looked like deeply pursuing true intimacy with His heavenly Father, and with a few humans. You and I will need to do the same. Intimacy with God is not some nebulous spiritual feeling; it’s meant to be the air you breathe, just like it was for Jesus.

And, who is your Peter, James, and John? Who are the one, two, three people who you invest time and energy with, risk authenticity with, truly offer seeing and being seen, knowing and being known? This is hard, but you won’t experience wholeness or intimacy without doing this work. And this has nothing to do with romance or sex.

3. I must choose between getting hurt and experiencing intimacy.

You’ve been hurt in relationship. When that happens it’s easy to withdraw, tuck your tail between your legs, and slink off in isolation. Or you get prickly and demanding, and push everyone away before they can hurt you again. Both responses just leave you more hurt.

And you will also be healed in relationship. In God’s economy He designed that we become whole through connection with another human, a few humans. This is risky, just like it was for Jesus with Peter, James, and John. But do it anyway.

As you mature you can become wiser in how you relate to the person or persons closest to you. You can choose better, whether it’s a spouse or a close friend. (No, if you’re married don’t leave unless God releases you from a truly toxic relationship.) You can learn to look to God for what only He can provide, and look to people for what God intended people to provide. You can become more resilient with hurts, and more generous instead of selfish in your relationships.

4. I’m dependent on someone else for my intimacy needs.

By definition, intimacy requires another person to be in relationship with. And of course that’s risky. But you are not powerless in the process. The perspective of sitting back and waiting for someone else to offer you intimacy is not healthy, mature, or godly.

The most common complaint I hear from people is, “nobody is interested in me. I have no one.” That may be true – today. But it doesn’t have to be true tomorrow. There may be many things other people “should” do, but what are you doing?

Take ownership under God of your relationships. Find your people. Start with just one. If you’re married to someone with a relatively good heart, make your spouse one of your people. But you also need a friend. You take the initiative. Just do it! Don’t demand; that will only drive the other person farther away. Focus on being the invitation for that person to come closer.

5. Loneliness is always bad and means I cannot thrive.

In this life everything, including intimacy, is partial and incomplete. None of us experiences all the intimacy or goodness that Jesus has made available to us here and now. But our hearts will always feel incomplete because we were not made for this world; we were made for eternity. And a sense of loneliness, even with one or a few people close to you, is part of the evidence of that.

In marriage, if Adam looks to Eve to complete him, if Eve looks to Adam to be her everything, they will always be disappointed. In close friendship, looking for another person to be what only God can be to you will leave you empty. Even here and now, we must actively and intentionally pursue true intimacy with God for those deepest heart needs. One of the benefits of loneliness can be as fuel to drive our heart closer to God.

And loneliness is not the same as solitude. If you can’t stand being with yourself, it means you have some healing and growing to do. Like Jesus did, you can learn to see your times of aloneness as vital to your wellbeing and your life with God, such that you then have something of substance and value to bring to your interactions with people.

Relearning the Truth

I invite you to thoughtfully consider your assumptions about intimacy, sex, and relationships. Where did you learn those things? Could you be believing only part of the truth? Or perhaps believing downright lies that kill intimacy?

Next time we’ll talk more about relearning what is true about this important area of life.

Your Turn: In reviewing these lies that kill intimacy, have you believed any of these? Any other assumptions you can now see are really lies? I’d love to hear from you.  Leave a comment below.

Want more? This week’s podcast is a conversation with Melissa Macomber focusing on the impact of parent’s infidelity on adult children. It’s a good one! Listen or watch.

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• Some of what you’ve come to believe about sex and relationships may be good, but some may be distortions, or even downright lies that kill intimacy. Here are five lies to beware of.  Tweet that.

Need Some Help with Those Lies?

It takes more than information to change your internal beliefs around intimacy. That happens best in a safe new experience with a few others.

Join us at an upcoming intensive – a beautiful 4-day premium experience that can change so much. Bring the hard places of your story into the light, and experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story with healing, freedom, and transformation.