It’s a principle Jim Collins talked about years ago; begin with the end in mind. It changes what you do today when you consider the longer-term impact. Every earthly relationship has an expiration date. Whether it lasts one hour or a hundred years, how you love today will determine whether you will regret less tomorrow.

There isn’t one of us who has not failed those we love the most in some way. Parents, siblings, spouse, children, friends – I have yet to meet one person who doesn’t have regrets in how they treated someone close to them. I do too. And when you are the one who’s been hurt in small or large ways, it’s easy to feel justified in responding in kind.

I want to challenge you to imagine the end. Imagine the person or persons you’re most at odds with, who you really don’t want to be kind to. That might be a parent who neglected or abused you, a sibling you still fight with, a child who’s called you names and told lies about you, a friend who let you down when you needed them the most. Or imagine someone in your family who you’re simply not at all close to – perhaps through no one’s fault, but life has just happened. Choose someone, and picture them right now.

Then keep that person in mind as you read the rest of this article. I’m helping you think about your future. I want you to regret less tomorrow.

Imagine the End

Beginning with the end in mind is uncomfortable. It includes thinking about the possibility of death – yours or theirs. Imagine being at the end of your life. What will you want to be true about how you handled your relationship with that person? Or imagine finding out that person has died. What sense of you do you hope they felt in their soul at the end?

Just imagining that might stir up resentment or anger. And those feelings may be very legitimate. You might say, “I hope they remember how angry I am with them. I hope they learned their lesson.” Is that really the legacy you want to leave in their memory, or in yours?

You might also find it hard to really care. Some relationships become so distant, so strained, that the easiest thing is to keep that person out of mind. The cost of caring seems too great. But again, is that really the way you imagine wanting things to be in the end?

Let me caution you; this kind of thinking does NOT mean you ignore trauma or pain. There are people who are not safe to be close to, who truly cannot be trusted. I’m in no way advocating for people-pleasing, putting yourself in a position to be harmed again, or ignoring the hurt, fear, or other emotions in your soul.

But I do want you to think about who you choose to be. What will allow you to look back and regret less tomorrow?

Taking One Small Step

Every relationship undergoes ruptures – sometimes small, and sometimes traumatic. Dr. Curt Thompson is one who brilliantly lays out the process of rupture-and-repair. A broken relationship doesn’t have to remain that way. Sometimes the other person is not open to repair, but you can always do something on your side.

Your first step may be to seek healing for your own wounds or shame or regrets you already have. You are affected by the rupture in this relationship, but you don’t have to let that define your future. You can choose to become OK in your own soul regardless of whether the other person does or not, or even regardless of what happens in the relationship. It may take considerable time; that’s OK. You may need to seek God’s forgiveness.

And then imagine taking one small step toward the other person such that you can look back with fewer regrets. (Note; I’m not talking about pursuing reconciliation with someone who traumatized you and is still unsafe.) That one small step might be:

• Letting your ex-spouse know, verbally or in writing, “I’m sorry for causing you pain, and I release you without anger.”
• Saying to your estranged child, “I want you to know I’m open to talking, if the time comes when you’d like to do that.”
• Sending a message to a friend you’ve drifted away from; “I miss you. Forgive me for neglecting us. Can we talk?”

Do you see a theme here? You acknowledge your part, even if it’s only 5%. You approach with open hands, not a demand. And you present an invitation for them to respond in kind. If they do, you approach that conversation with curiosity and listening.

For Those You’re Close To Now

This principle doesn’t only apply to estranged relationships; it applies to your family and friends right now. What’s it like to be married to you? What will your kids remember about you as a parent? What kind of a friend are you being today?

The things that seem so terribly important right now may have much less importance when you look back later. On your deathbed you won’t wish you stayed longer at the office, or care about how the dishwasher was loaded. It’s been said that you want to invest most – and most intentionally – in those who will be around your deathbed. Sobering thought.

You won’t get it “right” all the time. But keeping the end in mind is likely to help your priorities. You’ll be able to apologize faster when you need to, keep the small stuff small, care more about people than things, and do the hard work to get over yourself long enough to become capable of real intimacy.

What the End Might Be

Neither you nor I know whether that broken relationship will be repaired or who will be around your deathbed. That’s less the point than that you do what you will wish you had done looking back. If your life ends, or that person’s life ends, what will you want to know you had done? For most people, that means you will want your loved one to know that you loved them, and that you remained open to God doing any miracle He wants to do in both of you.

You may still need to keep boundaries in place. You will still need to hold your marriage, your parents, your children, your friends up to God with open hands. Your own character will still need to grow. But you can regret less tomorrow by keeping the end in mind.

Your Turn: What relationship have you been thinking about as you read this? What step will you take next in that relationship so that you regret less tomorrow?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? This week’s podcast is a conversation with Dr. Pamela Pyle about how thinking about the end impacts how we live today. Listen or watch.

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• The relationship that troubles you most today; imagine looking back from the future. What will you want to be true about what YOU had done today? Imagining that can let you regret less tomorrow.  Tweet that.

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