We use euphemisms all the time, especially around sex. I’ll spare you a list. But did you know the Bible uses euphemisms for sex too? One frequent such word is the verb “to know”, yada. Adam knew Eve, and they had a baby (Genesis 4:1, 25). So it’s perhaps understandable if you confuse sex and intimacy. Yes, there should be a connection between sex and intimacy, but they are not the same.

The Hebrew Bible illustrates this well. Yada is used to refer to loving physical intimacy between husband and wife. It’s also used to describe how God knows us, as in Psalm 139: “O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar” (Psalm 139:1-2).

But when sex is in the context of adultery, prostitution, rape, or “simply” intercourse the Hebrew often uses the verb “to lie”, shakab, as in “he seized her and lay with her and humiliated her” (Genesis 34:2). (Yup, sex has been an issue ever since humankind’s earliest days on the planet. There’s plenty of bad sex in the Bible.)

Enough Hebrew. But perhaps this can demonstrate that intimacy and sex are not the same. They can be related, and in God’s design they are! But you know as well as I do that there’s plenty of sex going on without any intimacy (whether in or outside of marriage). And it’s possible to have true authentic intimacy without having sex. This is important for all of us to understand regardless of relationship status.

This gets to the matters of the heart that so easily trip us up. If you tend to confuse sex and intimacy, it’s time to disentangle how they’re related, and how they’re different.

What Is Intimacy?

The best Biblical picture of human intimacy we find is in the garden of Eden: “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). Yes, Adam and Eve had no clothes on their bodies. But the sense of the original language is that there were no barriers between them at all. Their bodies and their minds/hearts/souls were completely open to each other – and to God. No barriers between them physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

It was in that perfect context that the first two human beings reflected the kind of intimacy God experiences within Himself as Father, Son, and Spirit, and that He desires to have with us. He created human beings with the same need, desire, and capacity for intimacy that He has Himself. That’s part of what being created in the image of God is all about.

Have you ever experienced intimacy like that? I don’t know that any of us have, or if we have it’s only been for a moment. But you were made with an empty place in your soul that only that level of intimacy can fill.

Another way to describe intimacy would be seeing and being seen, knowing and being known. (Remember, yada.) You can’t experience intimacy by only taking the clothes off your body. The coverings must come off your mind and heart also.   Tweet that.  And intimacy can happen with or without your clothes coming off; honest connection with another with no barriers between.

Sex Without Intimacy

No wonder porn, one-sided sex with your spouse, hookup culture, or shacking up never truly satisfies.

God designed sex to be experienced with intimacy and covenant within a lifelong marriage between husband and wife. The biological drives all humans have around sex, some more and some less, are legitimate. Jesus experienced them when He was here on earth. But when sex becomes only a physical thing it turns destructive – whether within or outside of marriage.

That happens within marriage when one spouse demands sex from the other, sometimes to the point of destructive trauma. It’s why duty sex or pity sex is so miserable. It’s why withholding sex as a weapon is so hurtful. When there’s no intimacy, sex can push a couple farther apart.

And when you say “I want intimacy with my spouse,” I pray you’re pursuing more than an exchange of body fluids. When the two of you are also emotionally connected orgasm floods your brain with powerful bonding chemicals, but when there’s no emotional connection that experience ends up in great harm. (If your marriage lacks intimacy, start here.)

And of course sex without intimacy happens all the time outside of marriage. Taking your clothes off, or masturbating to porn, or running from one sexual relationship to another doesn’t work to meet the intimacy needs your soul was created for. Looking for the right sexual partner or the next most exciting porn video ends up in disappointment – and worse.

One big reason the “just say no” message to sex outside of marriage often feels so unappealing and ineffective is that it often fails to address the matters of the heart. You were made for intimacy. You truly need it, regardless of relationship status.

Finding Intimacy

We’re talking about intimacy as seeing and being seen, knowing and being known, no barriers between. It’s a need God built within every human heart. Jesus as a human being deeply needed intimacy. And He never had sex. To use His example, we must pursue intimacy with God and also with other humans.

A few questions to ask yourself around this topic:

• To what degree have I confused intimacy and sex? How has that affected me?
• What have I done with my need for intimacy?
• Regardless of relationship status, who really knows me? Is there anyone with whom I’m working to take down the barriers around my heart?
• Have I seen my relationship with God around matters of sex as primarily a list of behaviors, do’s and don’ts? What would He say about the matters in my heart?
• How am I pursuing intimacy with God in ways that allow the barriers in my heart to be addressed and come down?

These ideas and questions are challenging. And it’s a journey every human being must address if you want to become whole.

Address the matters in your heart around intimacy.

Your Turn: How has confusing sex and intimacy affected you and your relationships? What’s missing in this look at intimacy? I’d love to see your comments below.

Want more? In this week’s podcast with Michael John Cusick we talk about taking down the heart barriers to intimacy that trauma brings, and developing true intimacy with others and with God. Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• Don’t confuse sex and intimacy; they’re related, but they’re not the same. God created you with a true need for intimacy; that’s different from sex. Tweet that.

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