Maybe your marriage and your married sex life does seem like a fight. But that’s not what this article is about. Maybe you’re not married, whether by choice or not. But that’s not what this article is about either. This is about the legitimate God-given need for love you have deep in your soul. This is about your love life.

If you ask the average unmarried person “How’s your love life?”, they imagine you’re asking something like, Are you dating? Or, Any marriage prospects? Or maybe if you’re really bold, Getting laid these days?

Ask the average married person “How’s your love life?” and they would hear, How’s it going in the bedroom? In many circles you’d never ask a married person that question. The stereotype would be one spouse pushing for more sex and the other spouse saying No. Yup, a fight.

But there’s something going on deeper in the human soul that many confuse with a sex drive. As humans we are embodied creatures; biology matters. But to make the need for love and intimacy all about sexual activity, orgasm, or the exchange of body fluids depersonalizes, animalizes, objectifies, both men and women.

And there you have it; the true need, desire, and capacity for intimacy that God built within every human being. God created you to have a love life regardless of age, gender, or relationship status.

Fighting for Love

You can no more ignore your need for love and intimacy than you can ignore your need for food and water. It’s part of your very nature. And remember; this does not equal sex. Jesus, the most fully alive human being ever to walk this earth had that same need for love and intimacy, though He was never married and never had sex.

So, what have you done with that need in your soul? Where have you been looking for love? Maybe you’ve been going from hookup to hookup. Or perhaps you’re married, or want to be; looking for love in marriage is not a bad desire. But perhaps you’ve learned in your own marriage, or ask any married person; a ring on your finger does not guarantee your needs will be met!

Perhaps you’ve been voraciously fighting to get something in your soul filled up – from your spouse, from a dating partner, from someone else. Maybe you get a momentary crumb, but that’s all it is. It feels like the more you grasp, the more resistance you get in return. As a result, many people turn to porn, an affair, or some other anesthetizing addiction such as shopping, alcohol, food, work, or even ministry.

And eventually some people give up, resigning themselves to a loveless marriage, a dry existence, a miserable life. You’re too worn out to continue to fight. You go through the motions of eating and sleeping, perhaps even religious activities, but your soul is dead.

You have no love life.

Quit Fighting

It’s funny what can happen when you stop fighting to grasp at something to fill you up, and instead become vulnerable and voluntarily open your soul to invitation, to receive, to hurt and grieve, to heal, to the love life that is offered to you.

You may immediately think, “You don’t know my spouse. They don’t offer any love!” Or, “There’s no love being offered to me; that’s why I’m having to fight for it!” Pause those thoughts. Perhaps you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. Perhaps you’ve been blind to what is being offered, or refused to let your own inner walls down long enough to receive.

And please, get out of the marriage mindset for a minute; we’re not talking about getting your spouse to show affection or give you sex.

What would not fighting for love look like for you? What might that make possible? And what might it require of you? That might be:

• Choosing healing. Most, perhaps all, people have experienced deep harm to the need for intimacy God built within you. You’re hurt. Stuff happened to you. Your step might be to choose the hard but life-changing path to find healing, as uncertain as it may seem.
• Learn to feed yourself. As much as other people (your spouse?) “should” do, you’re the one responsible for finding appropriate nourishment and actually taking it into your being. So if where you’ve been going has been like fast food that momentarily assuages a hunger but leaves you empty and dissatisfied, it’s time to do this more wisely.
• Deal with your sexual story. For many, your harm has come specifically around sex and sexuality. Abuse, rejection, addiction, or the like. Your ability to experience love and intimacy will require looking at your whole story, and developing a new and healthier lifestyle in this part of your life.
• Pursue intimacy with Jesus. Yes, this is the ultimate love life. But don’t imagine more Bible study or church activities. This is about the need, desire, and capacity for intimacy God created within you, and that only He can fulfill. This means inviting Jesus to be with you in the deepest parts of your soul.

Finding a Real Love Life

God made you for something that the next piece of chocolate cake, the next orgasm, the next ski trip can never satisfy. The greatest Lover in the universe is wooing your heart. If you allow your heart to be open to Him, the other stuff becomes possible. You become capable of authentic intimacy with others, married or not. The wounds can be healed. You can overcome the addictions. Your heart can feel true goodness regardless of what circumstances happen around you.

Your love life is worth the journey.

A great experience to help you on that journey is our new Sexpectations online course. I’d love to have you join me there.

Your turn: Have you found yourself grasping, fighting, for something or someone to fill up your need for love? Imagine what it would be to quit fighting but to go on the journey to find the intimacy you were created for – from God and others?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On the podcast this week I talk about what role porn plays in your Christian marriage. It’s not as simple as you may think. Listen or watch.

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• Has your love life been a fight? It’s not about getting sex from your spouse or finding the next hookup. Your love life will change if you address the underlying need for intimacy you were made for.  Tweet that.

Find a Healthier Love Life

Our brand new Sexpectations online digital experience provides a way for you to explore your sexual story with honesty and compassion – the same way Jesus looks at your story. You’ll learn the tools that will make a new lifestyle possible as you grow into sexual wholeness. And you’ll experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story. And everything changes with Jesus shows up!

The Sexpectations online course will allow you to find healing and transformation. And that just might lead to the most amazing love life you ever imagined, regardless of relationship status.