You feel empty. Maybe you’re married, there’s little intimacy between you, and you blame your spouse. Or perhaps you want to be married and wonder why you can’t find someone. Or you don’t want to be married but the loneliness is getting to you. You know it’s not good for a human to be alone, but nothing’s happening. In all your angst, it’s worth pondering whether your heart is ready for intimacy and connection.

Remember; intimacy and sex are not the same. God intended them to be connected in marriage, but you need heart-level connection regardless of relationship status. And a ring on your finger – or having sex – does not guarantee intimacy!

Intimacy is a funny thing. It requires someone else to connect with, but that person is not in your control. Intimacy feels vulnerable, and it is; you might get hurt. It feels like a catch-22; you need it, but the more you try to make it happen it may seem to only slip farther from your grasp.

How you respond to that challenging reality matters a lot. You might erect walls around your heart for self-protection. You might also try to manipulate or force someone into connecting with you. Often the combination of neediness and fear lead to a desperation that only makes it harder to experience what you need and desire most.

You don’t have to be your own worst enemy going forward, but you will have to do the work necessary for your heart to become ready for intimacy and connection.

The Common Denominator

Sabrina was engaged to be married – for the fifth time. John was approaching 50 and had never had a serious romantic relationship. Terri couldn’t help noticing that every boyfriend she had ended up being toxic and manipulative. Matt’s third wife was in the process of divorcing him. While everyone’s story is unique, each of these individuals need to wrestle with the reality that the common denominator in all their broken relationships is themselves.

By no means am I suggesting that you are to blame for another person’s hurtful or toxic behavior! The point is, however, that if you want your future to be different than your past, there is some heart work you will need to do. The assumptions you’ve made, the lies you’ve come to believe, the walls you’ve erected in your heart, the ways you’ve brought yourself to the world – they will need to be healed.

Imagine your own heart for a moment. Imagine that God brought the perfect person into your life today, the person who would be the ideal close friend, or perhaps an awesome spouse. Would you be ready to connect with them? Would you even recognize them when they showed up in your life? What kind of reception would that person experience when meeting or trying to connect with you? Would they feel smothered? Rebuffed? Objectified? Or would they sense an invitation to goodness and life?

If you might not be the kind of invitation your ideal person would feel drawn to today, what can you do about it?

Pursue Your Own Healing

There’s not one human being who has not been messed up by being born in and living in our sinful messed-up world. We all have “stuff” – some that happened to you, and some in which you were your own worst enemy.

Healing, transformation, goodness is available, but it’s something you must actively choose and take into your being. Unpleasant feelings such as loneliness, anger, or fear may lead you to try and get quick relief; that’s understandable and sometimes relief is important for a moment. But if you stop there, you’re likely to just fall into an addiction to whatever your favorite substance or behavior is.

You become ready for intimacy and connection (regardless of relationship status) by looking under the surface and dealing with the matters in your heart. That’s of course what Jesus was always most concerned about. And it’s the matters of the heart that have kept you messed up.

Here’s where you may wish for “3 easy steps to wholeness” or something similar. That’s rarely what God has in store for you. It’s almost always a process. You didn’t get where you are in a moment, and your transformation will also take time.

What you can do is continue to put yourself where healing can happen. Take in good information such as books, podcasts, etc. Spend time in God’s presence. Invite Him into the broken places in your past. Learn to feed yourself. Just keep showing up.

Practice Connecting

And about that intimacy you seek and need; that takes practice. As you learn to take the walls down that are in your own heart you will be able to connect in ways you didn’t previously believe were possible. You can learn who are safe-enough people, and what they can and can’t do for you. (Safe-enough does not mean perfect, but someone who will not intentionally cause you pain or use you only for their own benefit.)

But this does take practice. Imagine who might be safe enough. Pray about it. And then practice reaching out. Take a small risk in sharing something relatively small with them. Or join a small group and risk sharing something. Notice what’s happening in your own heart, and what kind of response you get. It won’t be comfortable, but it will feel less difficult as you practice more.

And then do it again. See connecting and intimacy as a skill you can get better at, just like riding a bicycle, baking a cake, or fixing a car. Keep practicing. Get some help if you get stuck and keep working at it.

Your work to develop the skills to connect with others will not only pay off in your sense of wholeness, but it will also improve your ability to connect with God. As you exercise your “intimacy muscle” you’ll experience a growing flow of life from God and of goodness between you and others.

May you prepare your heart to be ready for intimacy and connection!

Your Turn: What walls can you see in your own heart that prevent the kind of connection and intimacy you need? What are you going to do next in preparing your heart for connection?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On the podcast this week Tovares and Safa Grey talk about dating and preparing for marriage, not just a wedding. Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• You may want connection, but is your heart truly ready for intimacy? You can’t control others, but you can do your own work to become capable of the kind of intimacy you truly need.  Tweet that.

If Sexuality is an Issue for You …

My new book is helping people wrestle with their sexual story, regardless of relationship status. Sexpectations: Reframing Your Good and Not-So-Good Stories About God, Love, and Relationships.

If your heart is struggling with anything around sex, love, and intimacy, you need this! This book will help you:

• reinterpret your sexual story with honesty and compassion
• find freedom from shame, compulsive behaviors, past harm, and hiding
• redefine the way you look at God, sex, love, and relationships
• orient your sexuality as God intended and embrace what He has for your future
• experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story to bring healing and wholeness

Check out our new Sexpectations website where you can find related resources. You can download a free chapter of the book, and order the book for yourself.