Perhaps you’ve recognized that you need to stop people-pleasing. Other people are good at taking up all the mental real estate, emotional energy, and time you allow them to. You find yourself changing to be someone you’re not. Especially in your closest relationships and in parenting, people-pleasing can wear you out and derail your wellbeing.

If you’re a parent you likely care a lot about your children, how they perceive you, and how your parenting will impact the rest of their lives. As a follower of Jesus you want them to develop their own personal strong faith. And as they begin to mature you see the results of choices they make that your kids don’t yet understand.

If you’re married the quality of your relationship makes a huge impact on your wellbeing. You might find yourself strategizing how to keep the peace, or perhaps “manage” your spouse. You care about making your spouse happy, and many married people feel hurt and like a failure when their spouse doesn’t reciprocate.

If you’re single and seeking a relationship, it’s easy to present yourself as who you perceive the other person wants you to be. You imagine they’re more likely to want you if you morph into someone you’re not. You only show the part of you that you imagine they will like.

People-pleasing is not universal, but it’s so common. And it’s dangerous – perhaps especially in your closest relationships such as parenting, marriage, and if you’re looking for a partner. But what do you do instead?

In Parenting

Parenting is hard, and parenting some kids is harder than others. You don’t want to cause your child the pain either an authoritarian or disengaged parent can leave in their wake, so you may overcorrect and try to please your children.

But here’s the thing; you’re the parent. If you try to be your child’s best friend you may abdicate the very God-given role you are to play in your child’s life. It’s actually scary for a child to sense that they’re in charge, that there are no boundaries. Especially with a difficult child it may seem easier to just give in to their demands rather than work hard to stay connected even while maintaining what you know is right, healthy, and godly.

Of course that looks different at different stages of parenting. And I don’t believe there’s one parent on earth who doesn’t look back and see moments or areas where they wish they had done better. My point here is that people-pleasing with your kids is doing them a disservice.

In Marriage

Because marriage is the union of two sinners, every marriage has conflict. If your usual way of bringing yourself to the world is to people-please, you’re naturally going to do that when conflict arises in marriage. You put up with or enable bad behavior, walk on eggshells, and try to become someone you’re not just to keep the peace.

Let me state clearly that some marriages become toxic and dangerous. In such cases your priority must be safety, and sometimes that means leaving.

You may think that people-pleasing will change your spouse or stop the toxicity; it won’t! And if both you and your spouse are people of good will, people-pleasing will only keep you from experiencing the intimacy and goodness that you got married for in the first place.

Intimacy only happens when two people are fully seen and known. Trying to change yourself to be someone you’re not because you think the other person will like you better prevents the very thing you’re after.

In Singleness

Looking for a good spouse? It’s natural to put your best foot forward. But let’s say you’re in a developing relationship; ignoring things that bother you because you want that person to like you more just sets you up for problems later. That person may be falling in love with someone else instead of with the real you.

And then if you do get married you’re at risk for wearing yourself out still trying to please them by being someone you’re not. And when you stop people-pleasing so much and let your true self be seen, that may cause even more conflict. Your spouse may feel like you pulled a bait-and-switch on them.

The same principle holds in simple friendships that aren’t romantic. The only way to build authentic intimacy with a few other people is to be your real self.

The Alternative to People-Pleasing

Jesus was unmoved by either censure or applause. He was the same Person regardless of whether the crowd was trying to make Him king or crying “crucify him!” That’s a high bar for us to aspire to, but it is the only way to truly become mature and whole.

As my guest in this week’s podcast says, “There’s only one thing worse than losing your connection with your child, and that’s losing your connection with God.” That holds true for any relationship including marriage, romantic partner, friend, or anyone. And it points to the most important principle in breaking free from people-pleasing:

Live Your Life Before an Audience of One

That’s how Jesus continued to care deeply about people, more deeply than perhaps any of us can fully appreciate, but also was unmoved by how people felt about Him. Everyone who came close to Jesus knew that He was for them. He was fully present, He understood them, and sought to meet their deepest needs. But Jesus also got His validation from His heavenly Father, not from whether people were pleased with Him or not.

What does that look like for you? Get your validation first from God. Get your love-tank filled from Him. Care about what He thinks first. And then:

• If you’re a parent, by both your example and the ways you teach and correct your children, “worry” more about who they are becoming than about what they think of you.
• If you’re married, do your own work so you can come to your marriage with something to offer rather than looking for what you can get. Keep pursuing whole-person intimacy in every way your spouse is open to.
• If you’re single, live fully alive! Do the hard work to find a few people where you can be seen and known and offer the same to them. And do the work to become comfortable in your own skin before God.

If you’ve been a people-pleaser, breaking away from that can be hard. And most important in that journey will be deciding whose opinion you choose to care about.

Live your life before an audience of One.

Your Turn: Have you felt the need to stop people-pleasing in parenting, marriage, or singleness? In what ways are you learning to live your life before an audience of One?  Leave a comment below.

Want More? This week in the podcast I talk with Ellen Radcliff about raising kids faithfully in an LGBTQ+ world. Listen or watch.

Tweetables: why not share this post?

• People-pleasing in parenting, marriage, or singleness never turns out well. But what’s the alternative? I suggest it’s living your life before an audience of One. Here’s what that looks like.  Tweet that.

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