Many single Christians find the single life really difficult. And I’ve experienced that myself during the many years I lived single before marriage, and now that I’m living single-again since my husband died. In particular, many unmarried followers of Jesus find the current state of the evangelical Christian church a very unfriendly place for them.

We serve a single Savior. Our greatest Example – Jesus Himself – was never married. So it must be OK to be single. The church historically viewed the single Christian vocation as the highest spiritual state. That changed with the Protestant reformation – a necessary correction to the paradigm. But perhaps we’ve lost some of that historical perspective of what it can look like to follow Jesus as a single.

The desire for marriage is good. But marriage and family make a very inadequate god. Idolizing marriage is destructive for both single and married people. The highest goal of the Christian life is not a happy marriage with children! The goal God has for each one of us is, first, to become like Jesus (Romans 8:29).

Based on my own experience and what I hear from others, here are some things I deeply wish the church knew and understood about single Christians.

1. Singleness is not abnormal or always temporary

In fact, it’s really marriage that is always temporary!

Often the church’s “singles ministry” is little more than a baby-sitting-match-making service. That’s not healthy for anyone. The church’s primary mission is not to get people married; it’s to develop disciples of Jesus. What does that look like for those who are not currently married?

Not everyone desires to be married or will be called to marriage. I was not a second-class Christian prior to my marriage, and I have not slipped in status since my husband died. Paul drew on both his personal experience and “the Spirit of God” in advising the church that marriage and married sex were good, and singleness was also good. He himself felt singleness was to be preferred, “even better,” “happier” (1 Corinthians 7:38, 40).

Holding to a high view of marriage must not lessen the church’s view of singleness. A young single person is not in a holding pattern waiting for “the one.” A middle-aged unmarried person is not a “failure” until and unless they marry. A single-again individual (whether because of divorce or death) has not outlived their usefulness – or joy.

2. Unmarried people need intimacy too!

The first thing God called “not good” was for a human being to be alone (Genesis 2:18). It was the aloneness that was not good, not the unmarried state. Marriage is one possible partial solution to loneliness, but not the only one. And many married people would tell you they are unbelievable lonely! Jesus, our single Savior, deeply needed and sought human intimacy.

Intimacy and sex are not the same. God created each human being with a deep need for connection, to be seen and known. When the church’s only answer to an unmarried person’s need for connection is “don’t have sex,” it bypasses the true issue and risks driving that person away from Christ and His church.

What if the body of Christ were the place where unmarried people of any age or status could experience true intimacy – both with a few others and with God? This must be more than dumping unmarried people into a single lump and “teaching” them about “godly dating.” What about helping them learn to live Fully Alive for Jesus right now?

3. Many singles find singleness to be HARD

Managing life – money, household, schedule, healthcare, retirement planning, and more – on one’s own can be daunting. If marriage is not possible or doesn’t happen, who’s going to care for me when I’m sick or grow old? These are not small concerns for many unmarried people.

Too many married Christians believe the major concern for singles is getting married and/or handling one’s sex drive. Those are significant issues for some, but life is more – and more complicated – than that. And there’s the further challenge that going to church often adds to the loneliness and sense of isolation; church seems to be for married people with kids. Everyone can seem so involved in their own life that “there’s no place for me.”

A single person’s life challenges may be different than for those who are married with kids, but they are no less significant or hard. And that’s in addition to the loneliness factor.

4. The church needs unmarried people

As Dani Treweek and others have discussed, those who are faithfully following Jesus and are single demonstrate to the church a calling to intimacy with God that the body of Christ needs. They also point us all to the ultimate intimacy we will experience with Him in eternity. That’s an important corrective to the inward-focused dailiness that marriage and family can sometimes deteriorate into. We are all made for something beyond this world, and faithful Christian singles remind us of that.

Some Christian singles also have a greater degree of flexibility in their lives that can provide wonderful ministry opportunities. This must be more than, “you don’t have a family; can you staff the nursery during our Christmas Eve service?” Singles have gifts that the church needs, gifts of prophetic insight, administration, mercy, communication, and all the other good things the body of Christ needs.

I wish the church saw unmarried people as truly and completely part of the body of Christ – not as someone to be pitied or exploited, but as a valuable gift, as full partners in fulfilling the mission of Christ on earth.

5. Unmarried people need YOU

Whether you are yourself married or unmarried, other single Christians need you. if you’re not married, don’t dissolve into self-pity; be proactive in connecting with one, two, or three other singles. You have a personal understanding of some of the challenges. Your story won’t be identical to theirs, but mutual support and connection can fulfill important practical and intimacy needs in both of you.

And if you’re married, who is a single Christian you know who you can connect with? Why not consider asking them to be a god-parent to your child? Or invite them to your family holiday gathering? Or offer practical help?

There’s a Christian couple who live two doors down from me. The husband regularly clears the overgrown space behind his back fence, and when he does, he also clears the space behind mine. It’s a beautiful and practical gift to me as a single Christian. What might you have to offer the single Christian you know?

We need each other.

Remember, the body of Christ includes single Christians!

Your Turn: If you’re a single Christian, what’s your biggest struggle? If you’re married, have you overlooked the single Christians around you? How might you be a better brother or sister to them?   Leave a comment below.

Want more? On the podcast this week I talk with Lisa Anderson about what it looks like to be a single Christian at any age. Listen or watch.

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For (Single) Christians Wrestling With Sexuality …

My new book is helping singles (and marrieds) wrestle with their sexual story. Sexpectations: Reframing Your Good and Not-So-Good Stories About God, Love, and Relationships.

If your heart is struggling with anything around sex, love, and intimacy, you need this! This book will help you:

• reinterpret your sexual story with honesty and compassion
• find freedom from shame, compulsive behaviors, past harm, and hiding
• redefine the way you look at God, sex, love, and relationships
• orient your sexuality as God intended and embrace what He has for your future
• experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story to bring healing and wholeness

Check out our new Sexpectations website where you can find related resources. You can download a free chapter of the book, and order the book for yourself.