Loneliness is an epidemic. And it’s dangerous to your physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing. God Himself said that aloneness was not good (Genesis 2:18). But connecting with others deeply and authentically is messy, and hard. It will help to have some perspective on human relationships and what people can – and can’t – do for you.

And by the way, this principle applies both to married people AND to those who are not married. It was aloneness that God said was not good, not the unmarried state.

If you expect from others what God never intended people to provide, you’ll always be disappointed, empty, and lonely. There are deep places in your soul that only God Himself can fill. Trying to fill the God-shaped hole in your soul with friendships, a spouse, sex, or anything else will just mess you up and leave you even more hungry.

But God did create human beings for intimacy, for connection, for relationship. You cannot be fully human without other humans. I hear from people regularly who feel as if there’s nobody available to connect with. Remember that Jesus knows what that feels like. And He also demonstrated that though it’s vulnerable and hard, pursuing real relationships with a few other humans is the only way to go.

As you do the work to find your people, what can you look for? What can you reasonably expect – or not?

What People CAN’T Do for You

When you were an infant, someone else fed you. Now that you’re an adult you’re responsible to learn to feed yourself. That doesn’t only apply to physical food; it applies as much or more to the emotional, relational, and spiritual nourishment you need. In an ideal world, church, or family it might be “easy” to experience relational connection and soul nourishment. But no other human being can be your everything. That’s too heavy a burden for any one person to carry, even a spouse. You’re responsible to understand your hungers and pursue healthy ways to find the nourishment you need, especially intimacy.

Other people also cannot do your fighting or healing for you. Your journey to wholeness will be opposed and you need fellow soldiers beside you, but you will need to learn to fight spiritually yourself. You’ve been wounded and you need healing, but you will have to make the choice yourself to pursue healing and take it into your being. Only you can do the work of excavating the deeper places in your soul, and lowering the walls you’ve erected so that you can experience the intimacy you deeply need.

You may be tempted to blame others and say, “I tried reaching out, and it didn’t work.” Others cannot fix you, heal you, or fill you up. And there’s no human being who can function like a magic pill giving you instant gratification for whatever ails you. That’s not what God intended when He created you and me with a need for relationship.

What People CAN Do for You

If that seems discouraging, what can people do for you?

A place to start is, Why did Jesus seek authentic connection with a few humans when He was here on earth? What did Peter, James, and John “do” for Him? As imperfect and even painful as it was, Jesus received from His closest friends things such as practical help, encouragement, validation, a sense of being connected, seen, and known. Although Jesus needed, sought, and received His deepest validation from His Father, it meant something to His human soul when Peter said, “You are the Christ” (Mark 8:29), or “You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68).

A few others who know you can help validate parts of you that you may struggle to see and embrace for yourself. When someone speaks of seeing courage, leadership ability, creativity, or wisdom in you, it matters. They can also point out challenging areas such as your bitterness, arrogance, shame, or grief. Having someone else to mirror, even if imperfectly, both good and no-so-good parts of you helps you become more whole.

I regularly work with small groups of individuals working through difficult aspects of their story. There’s something powerfully healing about a few others hearing your story and being a witness to the harm you experienced. That’s a big part of what James meant when he wrote, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).

Finally, like a fellow soldier on the battlefield or a first responder partner, people can have your back in the struggles you face. Support, encouragement, accountability, and perspective help a lot. Neurobiologically, we know that human brains can do very hard things if they don’t have to do it alone.

Benefits of Connection

When you do the hard and messy work to find your people and nurture those healthy connections, your life will take on a different flavor. Who you connect with matters; do you want to end up the same place your closest friends are heading towards?  So choose wisely, but then consider those connections as valuable. Tend them with care.

As you do, you’ll find new brain pathways developing. Old limiting beliefs will control you less. The stranglehold of old addictions will lessen. You’ll develop new healthier wealth habits, health habits, relationship habits, thought habits, spiritual habits.

And the dark places in your soul will continue to shrink. Having a few people “up in your business” will be a tool the Holy Spirit uses to work on your transformation. You’ll see the impact you have on others – for good or for less-than-good – and feel empowered and motivated to continue growing.

Don’t deprive yourself of the power of human connection.

Your Turn: Have you had unrealistic expectations of what other people can do for you? Or have you tried to go it alone, and become frustrated? Where do you need to invest in the human connection dimension of your life?

Want more? This week’s podcast episode is a conversation with Sarah Westfall about our need to belong, and what God offers to our souls in that place. Listen or watch.

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