I’m so glad I’m not like I used to be! I was a seriously messed up young woman. But I’m not that now. People who know me today would never guess I used to be a basket case. And that’s not because I’m pretending to be who I’m not. There’s something fundamentally different about me. My core DNA has changed. Do how does that happen? How do people change – for real?

When did you first say Yes to Jesus? Last weekend in church? When you were in the middle of a mess? So long ago you can’t remember NOT having said Yes to Jesus? But more important, how are you different now? How would others say you have changed? Would they even be able to tell?

Too much of the common Christian teaching is behavior modification. Behaviors matter – a lot. What we do has big consequences. But as Jesus repeatedly talked about especially in the Sermon on the Mount, it’s the matters of the heart that matter more. And what goes on in your heart will eventually show itself in your behavior.

The basic message of the gospel is one of change. You don’t have to stay like you are. God promised to change out our stony heart for one of flesh: the original heart transplant! (See Ezekiel 36:26). We are told His Holy Spirit is changing us into the likeness of Christ. (See 2 Corinthians 3:18). Is that happening for you?

And if not, why not?

We know a lot today about how people change. And it’s not by trying harder! God does require our transformation. What does that process look like? It’s not really that big of a mystery.

Training, not Trying

How often I hear people say, “I just need to try harder.”

So, how’s that working for you?

Trying harder just wears you out. Perhaps you’re “trying” to stop being so afraid, or quit using porn, be kinder to your spouse, pray more regularly, or set healthier boundaries. You may be feeling very discouraged that you don’t seem to be changing very much. You’re tempted to feel like a failure. Perhaps God loves other people more than you, and this Christian thing won’t “work” for you.

An elite athlete or musician doesn’t get there by “trying harder;” they do so by training. You didn’t learn to walk or ride a bike without falling down, and you’ll “fall down” while training to be the kind of human being you want to be, that God wants you to be, too.

How do you train? You hang around others who are doing it well (see next section). You take in new information that inspires you and helps you understand, and you learn from your slips. There are small skills you develop and practice that build up to bigger things, such as learning to feed yourself. You get some help when you need it, just like an athlete works with a coach; that might be a spiritual director, a Christian counselor, a knowledgeable pastor, or just someone who’s farther along this Christian life than you are.

If you see yourself as training to be kind, or loving, or honest, or sexually whole, it changes your perspective on “failure.”

Humans Need Other Humans

It’s been said that human brains need other human brains around them in order to learn how to be human. Many of us have experienced the dark side of that truth; the humans you learned from gave your brain a messed-up pattern to mirror and copy. It’s true that you will become like the people you hang out with the most; you’ll adopt their health habits, wealth habits, relationship habits, spirituality habits, and more.

It makes a huge difference who you spend time with. This can be hard, friends; I hear from many people who say they don’t have anybody to be close to. But it’s up to you to find your people. Scarry, yes. Messy, yes. Hard, yes. But there’s no other way to become who you want, need, to be.

And when you do find your people, choosing to let your internal walls down is not easy. It could be dangerous. When you’ve been hurt (haven’t we all?) learning to trust again is hard. You have to do it slowly. You can’t and won’t take your inner walls down all at once, but you do have the choice to come out from hiding. It’s the only way to experience real transformation.

Holy Spirit Change

Jeremiah said, “Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard his spots? Then also you can do good who are accustomed to do evil” (Jeremiah 13:23). That’s the Biblical way of saying “trying harder doesn’t work.”

That’s why we desperately must have the heart transplant God promised: “This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds” (Hebrews 10:16).

For some, this only seems to add to your frustration. You’ve asked God to change your heart and you don’t sense any difference.

So here are three important ways to cooperate with what the Holy Spirit wants to do in you:

• More than information. Too many people think reading the Bible more or going to church more will “work;” often it doesn’t. Stuffing more facts into your L brain won’t change your R brain – your heart. It’s important to get under the surface and deal with the “stuff” – the lies, wounds, and empty places.
• Being with Jesus. This is not knowing about Him, but coming to truly know Him, to let your inner walls down in His presence. Being with Him changes you.
• Trust God with the outcome. We want to control our own transformation; nope, that won’t work. When God shows you something, deal with it. And know He is well able to finish what He has started in you (Philippians 1:6).

Keep showing up. And keep saying Yes.

Seeing Transformation

Perhaps you’ve heard this illustration before: how do you know what’s inside a toothpaste tube? You only REALLY know when you squeeze it. It’s the same way with us. We only really know what’s inside us when we get squeezed. (And by the way, that’s when others can see what’s really inside us as well.)

Don’t be surprised when you get squeezed. Sometimes you’ll be amazed at the different way you respond. And other times God leverages the squeezing to say, “This right here; let’s deal with this.”

Once again, keep showing up. And keep saying Yes. That’s how people change.

Your turn: Where are you sensing the Holy Spirit needing to change in you? What does showing up and saying Yes look like for you right now?  Leave a comment below.

Want more? On the podcast this week I talk with Summer Joy Gross about what it looks like to be with Jesus. Listen or watch.

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• How do people change? Are you frustrated with lack of change in yourself? You don’t change by trying harder. Here are three important ingredients that will lead to lasting transformation.  Tweet that.

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