We don’t use the word covenant much today. But this deeply Biblical concept applies to our lives more than many realize, and it triggers some hot-button ideas especially around marriage and divorce. And words can’t fully describe the pain, disorientation, even trauma that comes with a broken covenant.

I’m asked about this quite often, and it’s a weighty issue. There’s no non-painful way to think about this. Mention the word “divorce” and many Christians will immediately think of Jesus’ statements when He was asked about this topic. To many, His statements sound difficult, even impossible. Like the disciples, we may cry out, “If that’s how it is, it’s better not to marry” (Matt. 19:10). Basically, “Jesus, HELP!

I have not been divorced, but I’ve walked alongside some close friends and family members as they’ve experienced this. And I made the decision to marry a divorced man. I had to wrestle with these questions personally.

The idea of covenant is worthy of a deep Bible study. But for our purposes here, we’ll start with a brief survey of the concept and how it’s used in Scripture and how it applies to marriage, before wrestling with what happens with a broken covenant.

Covenant in Scripture

A contract says, “If you do this, I’ll do this.” If one party breaches a contract, it becomes void. But a covenant is not like that. A covenant is a pledge; “I will do this regardless of whether you follow through or not.” It’s a commitment of what I will do – no matter what.

While the idea of covenant was common in Biblical times, we think first of God in this context. There are several covenants mentioned in Scripture. One of particular note: in Genesis 15 God gave Abraham directions for preparing slain animals, and then after dark God Himself passed between their parts, dramatically validating His covenant to give the land of Israel to Abraham’s descendants . Of note, Abraham did not pass between the pieces; this was God’s covenant; “I’m the One who will do this!”

God intended marriage to be that serious of a covenant. When Jesus talks about marriage He appeals to creation; “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Earthly marriage was intended to symbolize the covenant love God has with us.

But sadly, many think of marriage as a contract, “If you make me happy, I’ll stay with you.” But that’s not the way God intended it. Marriage is truly a covenant; this is who I will be and what I will do, independent of whether you make me happy or not.

The Trauma of a Broken Covenant

And sometimes a marriage ends. Yes, God hates divorce, but not because it offends some arbitrary heavenly hierarchy of sins. He hates it because it hurts His children. Divorce always hurts His children. When one-flesh rips and tears apart it results in bleeding, trauma, as hurtful as if part of your physical body were torn from you. That’s what happens when a covenant is broken.

Sometimes there may be no other option. While I acknowledge debate in Christian circles about this, Jesus basically says that divorce is allowed because of human meanness. Divorce is permitted “because of the hardness of your hearts” (Matthew 19:8). This is not a marriage that is “simply” unhappy, but one that is ongoingly destructive.

When Moses gave the people of Israel the divorce laws, and during the time when Jesus spoke these words, divorce was very different than it is today. In “popular culture,” a man in those days could divorce his wife if she displeased him in any way, while a wife had no rights at all. The “certificate of divorce” at least gave her some legal ability to go on with her life.

And for those who point to Jesus’ statement that adultery is the only “legitimate” reason for divorce, remember that to Jesus adultery is about matters of the heart! (See Matthew 5:28)

If your marriage is unhappy, know that divorce will not solve your problems. Divorce may change your problems and it may be necessary, but it does not put an end to your problems.

Healing from a Broken Covenant

If you have experienced the pain, the trauma, of a broken covenant, it’s not the end. There are countless examples of marriages healed and restored even after truly brutal abuse, adultery, addiction, and more. There is no limitation to God’s healing and restoring power.

And the reality of marriage is that you can only vote for you. Deciding what to do after experiencing a broken covenant takes a lot of time, caring counsel, and deep prayer. I believe the primary deciding factor in whether to leave or stay is whether both spouses are willing to do the hard and often painful work of letting God change and heal them from the inside out.

The truth is, no human being can fully fulfill a covenant, even if made with the best of knowledge and intentions. And still, if your marriage does not survive, know that God is not done with you. You can be healed and whole even if your marriage “fails.”

If you are walking through the pain of a broken covenant, know that God intimately feels what you feel (see below). And if you know someone who’s experiencing this, they need your presence more than any advice.

God Does Not Break Covenant

God knows how you feel. Throughout the Old Testament God speaks to Israel as though they are His bride. And they’ve broken covenant with Him! Reading the prophets is often like listening to a lover’s quarrel through the bedroom walls, God expressing the kind of pain a betrayed spouse feels.

Yet even with all that, God does not break His covenant with us. Just a few passages to represent God’s promise:

• “I will not violate my covenant or alter the word that went forth from my lips.” (Ps. 89:34)
• “All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” (John 6:37)
• “If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself. (2 Tim. 2:13)
• “This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds,” (Hebrews 10:16)

God keeps His covenant.

And that’s worth holding onto when nothing else makes sense.

Your turn: Have you or someone close to you experienced a broken covenant? What has been helpful? Where do you see God in the middle of this?  Leave a comment below.

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• When a covenant is broken it brings pain, even trauma. God knows what that’s like. His perspective on marriage, divorce, and broken covenant can bring healing. Tweet that.

Want more? On the podcast this week I think through what it can look like when a covenant is broken, and some next steps toward healing.  Listen or watch.

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