A wise person said to me recently, “I no longer ask ‘What’s wrong with me?’ I ask, ‘What happened to me?’” Understanding your story will change so much about how you experience transformation. And if issues around sex and intimacy are part of your “stuff,” then seeking to intentionally recover from sexual harm will be a big deal.

Say sexual harm and you may immediately think of something horrendous that you’ve experienced; childhood sexual abuse, rape, or the like. You might feel like that’s too dark and overwhelming to deal with, and wish you could forget it all. Or you might think, “Nothing like that happened to me, so this doesn’t apply to me. I just need to get myself together and try harder.”

David wrote, “For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:14). Jesus knows not only the hangups you struggle with today; He also knows and understands what got you there. He knows what happened to you. And it matters to Him.

Past sexual harm doesn’t go away only with the passage of time. There’s been plenty of talk about trauma in recent years, and that’s not a bad paradigm. If you can look back and see sexual trauma in your past, I’m so sorry. But the harm you experienced counts even if you don’t think it fits into the category of trauma. (One common example is early exposure to porn.)

There’s a lot out there about recovery from sexual harm, and it can feel like it’s too much. Let me simplify the process and give you some hope.

Where Have You Been Harmed?

You will need to open the box in your soul where you’ve stuffed all the junk, to explore the details and how it affected you.

Every human being – including you –– has in some way been harmed sexually. Dr. Dan Allender, Christian therapist, author, and professor, implores us to give up “the presumption that we have not suffered sexual harm. We all have. Each and every individual on the earth has known some assault against their gender and/or their genitalia. Some of the harm is obvious and severe. Other harm is so subtle and normalized that it seems ridiculous to call it abuse. But sexual abuse is often far subtler and extensive than most of us have considered.”^[1]

Your body knows. It “keeps the score.” It will help to become a friend to your body. That does not mean your body rules, or that you give in to every whim or feeling your body may experience. But it does mean you learn to listen to your body and treat it with kindness.

If you’re thinking of bad behaviors you struggle to overcome, pause and consider, what happened before that?

A few questions to ponder;

• Where in your body do you feel unwell, distressed, or disgusted? If that part of your body could talk, what would it say?
• The messages you came to believe about sex; where did you learn them?
• What happened to you that set you on a trajectory that ended in the mess you find yourself now?

Your story deserves to be explored with honesty and compassion.

Choose Healing

If what you’ve been doing has been working well, keep at it. But if it hasn’t, perhaps it’s time to do something different. If you’ve been trying harder to refrain from unhealthy sexual behaviors, or to connect intimately with your spouse, or to bury the sexual part of you in a hole in your soul, you’ll eventually wear yourself out. If you’ve been begging God to heal you and you’re still stuck, there’s probably something you’re missing.

God rarely drops healing on you as if dropping something from the sky. Most of the time He takes you through a process of healing and transformation, where He invites you to explore the hard places in your story with Him, and connect with the healing resources He has available.

Like physical food, God makes healing resources available, but He doesn’t drip healing into your veins as if with an IV. You and I need to find and prepare our physical food and actually take it into our being, to metabolize it. It’s the same with healing. You seek it, choose it, and take it into your soul.

Today there are more available resources for healing than ever. Books and podcasts, including our own Relationship Prescriptions podcast and Sexpectations book, can help. Small groups, Christian therapists, healing intensives – with so much available, there’s no excuse to stay isolated. No excuse, that is, except your own choice. (I offer individual coaching to those who are interested. We also offer in-person intensives; if you’re interested, write and ask for more information.)

The point is that you raise your head, look around, find the resource that resonates with you, and take it in. Scary sometimes, yes. And it requires an intentional choice on your part. But just do it!

Experience the Healer

No human being can manufacture healing on their own. God has created us as amazingly resilient, but that doesn’t mean we can sit back and wait for something to happen. I learned a long time ago that as a minister, coach, doctor, group facilitator, or whatever role I take, I can’t heal anyone. Only the Healer can do that!

And His name is Jesus.

When Jesus was here on earth things changed whenever Jesus showed up. Blind eyes came to see. Lame legs walked. Sick people were healed. Dead things came to life. And things will change in your story when Jesus shows up there too!

There’s no more important element of healing, especially as you recover from sexual harm, than inviting Jesus right into the middle of your story. It’s rarely a “zap;” almost always it’s a matter of sticking around, “remaining” as Jesus so often said. It’s about unlocking the parts of your soul you’ve kept in hiding and allowing Him in. You put yourself in the space where He can do His work in you, and then don’t rush off.

Our online course Sexpectations is not primarily information; it’s primarily about looking at your story with honesty and compassion, as Jesus does, and then inviting Him right into the middle of your story. One part of each module is a Guided Reflection video that helps you experience Jesus being right with you, as you might experience if you could see Him with your physical eyes today.

I invite you to check it out.

You can recover from sexual harm.

Your Turn:  Where is there something unfinished in your soul around sexual harm? What score is your body keeping? Do you sense what next step you need to take in your healing? Leave a comment below.

Want more? This week on the podcast I dive into what it looks like to deal with sexual harm. You can listen or watch.

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• Recovery from sexual harm can feel daunting. You’d like it to be a one-time “zap.” But through looking at your story with honesty and compassion, choosing healing, and inviting Jesus in, healing can happen. Tweet that.

Help for Healing From Sexual Harm

Our brand new Sexpectations online digital experience provides a way for you to explore your sexual story with honesty and compassion – the same way Jesus looks at your story. You’ll learn the tools that will make a new lifestyle possible as you grow into sexual wholeness. And you’ll experience Jesus coming right into the middle of your story. And everything changes with Jesus shows up!

The Sexpectations online course will allow you to find healing and transformation. And that just might lead to the most amazing love life you ever imagined, regardless of relationship status.

[1] Dan. B. Allender. Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2016), 22.